'Adulting' and other phrases so wanky they make your skin itch

SOME modern phrases are so godawful they make you want to squirm yourself inside out. Here are the worst offenders:

Forever home

This is a sickeningly twee term used to describe a pile of bricks and mortar you can see yourself dying in one day. But given how badly the housing market’s going your forever home won’t be a mansion, it will be a rundown terraced house in a rough bit of Plymouth. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to stump up the deposit.


Apparently the phrase ‘dirty weekend’ isn’t good enough for couples anymore. Now they refer to their scaled-down honeymoons as mini-moons and expect us not to punch them in the face. To make things worse they’ll still go on a full-blown post-marriage holiday and cheeky ones will ask for a ‘honeymoon contribution’. Disown people who use this word now and save some cash.


Washing up, going to work and paying your rent used to be the kind of mundane, everyday shit people thankfully kept to themselves. Not anymore. Now dickheads have turned the state of maturity into a verb and claim to be ‘adulting’ their way through life. If you encounter anyone using this word then round their mental age down by roughly 20 years.


This is wanky coffee shop speak for ‘warm milk’. Babyccinos are meant for little kids, but even they find this phrase a little too patronising. To all the yummy mummies and trendy daddies out there reading this, cling on to the last vestige of your dignity by erasing this word from your vocabulary, then take your kids somewhere more appropriate like a greyhound racing track.


Childish to the point of being almost incomprehensible. The only thing worse than taking endless photos of your food for Instagram is declaring that you’re going to ‘nom’ it afterwards. This country used to eat powdered eggs and depended on ration books, now look at it. Every hipster uploading a snap of a £5 caramel-filled doughnut with the caption ‘nom’ should have to endure the hardships of World War 2 as punishment.

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Women tricked into watching film about giant alien sandworms

WOMEN are to spend this weekend being conned into watching a sci-fi epic about sandworms, spice trading and extraordinary mental powers.

Dune, which stars Timotheé Chalamet, Zendaya and Jason Momoa as if it was some kind of movie women would enjoy, will instead bore them shitless with endless dialogue about space navigation, Bene Gesserit ‘witches’, and the warrior prophet Muad’Dib.

Nathan Muir said: “I’m very excited to watch Dune. My girlfriend is also very excited to watch Dune, and I’m carefully ensuring she finds out nothing about it until it’s too late so as not to ruin that.

“She likes the cast, she’s heard it’s got an arty French-Canadian director, and best of all she has no idea whatsoever it’s based on a 400-page 60s sci-fi novel with five increasingly impenetrable sequels. Although I suspect that will gradually dawn on her as the film wears on.

“Do I feel guilty? Yes. Will she blame me? Absolutely. But f**k it, I had to sit through The Queen’s Gambit.”

He added: “Maybe she’ll enjoy it? Who am I f**king kidding. She’s got about as much chance of enjoying this as she has a Rush album.”