A MAN has done significant damage to his home and its contents by attempting to spread butter straight out of the fridge.
Stephen Malley destroyed a new fitted kitchen with all appliances, caused structural damage to two load-bearing walls and reduced a table and chairs to matchwood while attempting the foolhardy manoeuvre.
He said: “I thought, because the toast was hot, it would melt the butter. That was a miscalculation.
“The first spread just kind of broke the butter and tore the toast a bit, then the second went straight through the kitchen counter and fucked the dishwasher. After the third I couldn’t see because of all the dust and masonry.
“I didn’t give up, because I really fancied some toast, but the firefighters told me my next swipe took out the plate, the gas hob, the gas cooker, the gas pipe and cracked the foundations. I was lucky to make it out alive.
“They’ve recovered the butter. Apart from some surface grit, it’s intact and unharmed.”