Man destroys kitchen trying to spread cold butter on toast

A MAN has done significant damage to his home and its contents by attempting to spread butter straight out of the fridge. 

Stephen Malley destroyed a new fitted kitchen with all appliances, caused structural damage to two load-bearing walls and reduced a table and chairs to matchwood while attempting the foolhardy manoeuvre.

He said: “I thought, because the toast was hot, it would melt the butter. That was a miscalculation.

“The first spread just kind of broke the butter and tore the toast a bit, then the second went straight through the kitchen counter and fucked the dishwasher. After the third I couldn’t see because of all the dust and masonry.

“I didn’t give up, because I really fancied some toast, but the firefighters told me my next swipe took out the plate, the gas hob, the gas cooker, the gas pipe and cracked the foundations. I was lucky to make it out alive.

“They’ve recovered the butter. Apart from some surface grit, it’s intact and unharmed.”

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Man stupidly asks elderly parents to buy wine

A MAN foolishly asked his parents who rarely drink alcohol to buy a bottle of wine after forgetting they would fuck it up.

While visiting his parents, Tom Logan asked them to pick up “a bottle of Merlot or just any red wine for about a fiver”, not realising the chaos this nigh-on impossible task would bring.

Sales manager Logan said: “After doing some gardening for the folks I thought it would be relaxing to have a few of glasses of wine. How fucking wrong was I.

“First I got a call from Mum on her mobile saying Sainsbury’s didn’t sell wine. I said I was sure they did, and eventually worked out they were in the soft drinks and cordial aisle.

“A few minutes later I got another call saying they ‘hadn’t got the wine you wanted’ and they were trying somewhere else. Later I discovered they were looking for a brand called ‘Merlin Wine’.

“Mum said they were going to the wine shop. I said they really didn’t need to but they insisted. Then I realised they meant The Wine Shop, the local corner shop that sells dangerous toys.

“Finally they arrived back all flustered with a bottle of something called ‘Grayson’s Tonic Wine’. I’d never had iodine-flavoured wine before but at least it was alcoholic.

“It tasted of what I imagine long-dead mice do so I put a splash of lemonade in. Then I realised it was 0.5% alcohol and poured the whole lot down the sink.”