Marmite trying to take over the world

MARMITE is attempting to cross-pollinate with every other item on supermarket shelves to become the only product available, scientists fear. 

The popular foul yeast extract paste has already managed to infect peanut butter, pasta, biscuits and even deodorant, with Lynx Africa & Marmite making even teenage boys redolent of its mouth-watering stench.

Marmite user Julian Cook said: “I like a bit of Marmite on toast. But this appears to be massive overreach.

“I can’t open a cupboard without that familiar flash of yellow and black. First Twiglets, then crisps, cashew nuts, houmous, crispbreads, everything.

“I’ve started to taste it in cups of tea. Am I mad, or is that a new limited edition Marmite x Tetley thing?”

A Marmite spokesman said: “Marmite has sensed the world’s weakness, and started to spore. Marmite hair gel, Marmite shoes, Marmite Walt Disney World Resort and Hotel.

“Soon the whole planet will be Marmite. Apart from Australia which will still be Vegemite, the f**king freaks.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Have you got a hangover or COVID-19?

YOU went to the pub last night and woke up feeling terrible, but why? Too many Jägerbombs, or the dreaded virus? Here’s how to figure it out.

You wake up and your mouth is…

A) Drier and fouler than a Wetherspoon’s chicken tikka masala.

B) Full of the taste of regret. So much regret.

You gather up the will to move your aching body and discover your bed is…

A) Soaked in sweat.

B) Soaked in sweat and another liquid that has a different smell which you’re desperately hoping isn’t urine.

You take a deep breath and your chest feels…

A) Horribly tight, and it’s not from smoking because you’re the type of boring drunk who lectures people about the dangers of fags.

B) Slightly tight, as if you spent five hours last night begging Marlboro Lights from annoyed strangers.

There’s someone in your bedroom. Is it…

A) A concerned loved one, gently mopping your brow with a damp cloth.

B) A bollock-naked stranger who can’t remember your name, and probably not their own.

You shuffle to the bathroom mirror and see…

A) Someone who looks like shit.

B) Someone who looks like shit, and knows they deserve it even though they aren’t 100 per cent sure what they did last night.

Mostly As: It’s probably coronavirus, and if it’s not you might as well pretend it is and suck up all that lovely sympathy.

Mostly Bs: It’s most likely a hangover. You deserve to feel this way.