How to stick to a socially distanced barbecue when you're pissed

Worried you’ll have too many glasses of Shiraz and attempt to sit on your partner’s attractive colleague’s knee? Here’s how to keep your distance to a strict one metre.

Pretend you’ve got a cough

You’d hope that all your guests would immediately leave if you start spluttering over the potato salad. However, they’re all so desperate for a party that they will simply cluster together for safety, leaving you alone by the compost bin.

Weaponise flatulence

It’s drastic, but if you want people to keep their distance, parping out some bad smells will really help. Dig in heartily to the dubious barbecued chicken tikka and let rip with enthusiasm.

Be embarrassingly drunk

When you got pissed before coronavirus you would have a filter that stopped you calling your mother-in-law a chubby nightmare or slapping your handsome neighbour on the arse. Turn this filter off and people will be backing away, either offended or embarrassed.

Don’t let them use the toilet

Even though government guidelines say people can use your loo, don’t let them. After necking three bottles of Cava they’ll have to go in search of a public loo or go home, meaning your garden will stay sparsely populated at all times.

Insist everyone bring their own cutlery

And food, condiments, drinks, glasses and plates. Then say they can’t use your barbecue and make them stand on the drive. They’ll decide your party is shit within fifteen minutes and leave, instantly solving your problems.

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Middle-aged man reaches weird shed obsession phase

A MAN’S friends and family are becoming increasingly concerned by the amount of time he is spending doing mysterious things in his shed.

Bill McKay, 52, has raised eyebrows with his desire to isolate himself from his family to spend time in that is essentially a landfill of old garden equipment in a wooden hut.

McKay’s wife Susan said: “He says he’s refurbishing it and there was some muttering about a bar, though so far he’s just keeping some bottles of Doom Bar in a dirty old sink.

“It’s probably a mid-life crisis, but I wish he could have gone down a more interesting route, like blowing our life savings on a Ferrari or getting into parkour.

“I thought there was a glimmer of hope when I noticed he’d been sneaking glue into the shed but it turned out he’d been using it to construct a scale model of the Forth Bridge out of matchsticks.

“I genuinely would rather have found out he’d been sniffing it.”