Friday, 22nd January 2021

Husband thinks himself a 'modern man' for wiping own piss from toilet seat

A MAN who sometimes remembers to wipe down the toilet seat after inaccurately urinating now considers himself an ideal husband.

Stephen Malley has boasted about the cleanliness of the loo he shares with his wife in their en-suite after cursorily dabbing away his own wee with some toilet paper.

Malley said: “I’m a changed man. It makes me sick to think about how I used to let my wife clean up after me like a toddler, just weeks ago.

“Now, if I don’t get it all straight in the bowl, I’m reaching for the bog roll to tend to the scene of the crime. Well, unless I have to rush back to watching Masterchef, of course.

“I changed my ways following prolonged soul searching and spiritual growth, and it had nothing to do with an ultimatum from my wife saying she’d leave me if I didn’t stop pissing like a faulty sprinkler.”

Malley’s wife Helen said: “I wish he’d continued. I’m looking for any excuse for divorce.”