How did your parents' music collection ruin your childhood?

RUINING music for your children with terrible songs at formative moments is an important part of parenting. How did your parents do it?

New age music for important conversations

Meeting your dad’s new, younger girlfriend to the tones of Enya’s Orinoco Flow was probably intended to be soothing but instead left you with a virulent hatred of anything ‘spiritual’, as well as a festering dislike of your stepmum that continues to this day.

Folk music for Sunday evenings

Sunday evenings were made infinitely worse with the addition of the kind of folk music where every stringed instrument in existence is being played at once. For your parents it recalled the mellow days before Dylan went electric and they smoked jazz cigarettes. For you, it was tantamount to child abuse.

Classic rock on long car journeys

Every car journey would be soundtracked by Fleetwood Mac with your dad drumming on the steering wheel like a tenth-rate Phil Collins. Now you are old enough to realise Rumours is a classic, but can’t listen to it without flashbacks to the existential ennui of a Saturday afternoon spent in Homebase.

Jazz music in the evenings

Before you were allowed out, you had to listen to whatever your parents played to lay the groundwork for the sex at least one of them was hoping to have that night. If this was jazz, you are probably disturbed enough to have a therapist on speed dial.

No music

If you grew up in a house where the Archers’ theme tune was the closest you came to music, then your parents’ tuneless world was the ultimate sacrifice they made. Unfortunately, you are now f**king up your children instead by putting on Born Slippy and raving around the kitchen.

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'Deciding to eat healthily' confirmed as bleakest phase of a relationship

COUPLES who decide to start eating a healthier diet together have reached an all-time low in their relationship.

Committing with a partner to a shared goal of protecting one’s health has been identified as the moment the urge to have sex and fun together dies.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “While wanting to improve your diet is laudable, agreeing to fewer biscuits and no benders is a fast-track to joyless oblivion.

“The only way to avoid such a relationship precipice is to find someone who is truly incapable of thinking beyond their next Wotsits grab bag. Sadly, these highly desirable mates tend to get snapped up first.”

Lucy Parry, who has been in a relationship for two years, said: “At the beginning we lived on lager and takeaways. We smoked before, after and sometimes during sex, and ate nachos in bed. It was great.

“Now we’re into juicing together, and not nice juice like apple and pear, but dark shit like celery and beetroot.

“We both know it’s over, but neither of us is prepared to give up custody of the spiralizer.”