Massive f**king takeaway ruins romantic evening

A COUPLE’S plans for a romantic evening were left in tatters after they both ingested an inadvisable amount of curry.

Nathan and Emma Muir had to drastically alter their expectations for their monthly date night after sharing a meal from a local Indian restaurant intended for six people.

Nathan Muir said: “We’d planned to watch a romantic movie after dinner, followed by an early night. Unfortunately, I blacked out sometime around my third helping of lamb bhuna. I think I need to go and have a cry in a dark room.”

Emma Muir said: “We sent the kids off to my parents and I’d bought some new lingerie and everything. But after that dinner, if we’d had sex I’d have vomited half-digested saag paneer all over him.

“And that is only partly to do with the way he smells after eating nine onion bhajis, a pot of lime pickle and half a garlic chicken.”




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Dad loves pressure washer more than children

A FAMILY suspect their dad loves his new pressure washer more than his children.

The recent arrival of Martin Bishop’s high-performance machine caused an intense emotional reaction that has taken loved ones by surprise.

Son Tom said: “I’d always just thought he was emotionally stunted. I’d made my peace with it over the years.

“Like when I completed my PhD and he just sort of nodded, or when he said ‘well done’ when my son was born.”

However the 1400W pressure washer has awoken a previously unseen passion in Bishop, who cannot stop talking lovingly about it.

Wife Margaret said: “I swear there were tears in his eyes the other day when he was telling John from next door what a difference it had made to the drive.

“He says he’s now considering a 6-in-1 steam cleaner to sort out the carpets. I’m considering a divorce.”