Matchmakers, Bisto and other low-quality shite that makes a classic British Christmas

THINK Christmas is all about premium food and drink? You’ve clearly never enjoyed the following British festive essentials:

Orange Matchmakers

High quality chocolate has no place in a traditional British Christmas. Instead, you must consume shards of a mysterious crunchy orange substance and chocolate that has only a passing acquaintance with cocoa solids, all crushed together into a skinny, brittle stick.


Sorry Nigella, but if you made a proper gravy with port, red onion and star anise, Uncle Jeffery would spit it out in disgust. Instead, it is obligatory to use strange glutinous granules that have spent the best part of four years at the back of a cupboard and are liable to be made up of at least 40 percent mouse shit.

Nuts to crack

Why does your mum always insist on buying these largely impenetrable snacks which sit sadly in a bowl while everyone munches their way through nice things like Quality Street? At some stage your pissed brother will attempt and fail to crack one and they’ll be unceremoniously dumped in the bin on January 3rd.

Shop-bought mince pies

The inside is tooth-achingly sweet and the outside has the texture of sand. However, you’ll mindlessly shovel approximately 41 of these into your gob over the Christmas period, always with the same comment about not really liking them very much.

Christmas crackers

They have to be from a traditional British retailer, such as Iceland, and must feature a wafer-thin paper hat that rips immediately, a shit gift like a red plastic fish that curls up and dies in your palm, and a painfully bad joke that your dad will repeat at every Sunday dinner until next July.

A Cadbury’s selection pack

Don’t bother purchasing those artisanal dark chocolate florentines from Waitrose, because what everyone really wants are some familiar old favourites presented in enough plastic packaging to kill a whole family of ocean-dwelling turtles. It’s not Christmas until you’ve chewed your way through a Curly Wurly in front of the Queen’s speech.

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How to have the best Christmas day ever in Wetherspoons

COULD anything beat Christmas Day in Wetherspoons? No. Here’s how the most wonderful time of the year is in the most wonderful pub on the high street: 

It’s got all your essential Christmas activities and more

It sells nuts. There’s booze. There’s wi-fi so you don’t actually have to talk to your family, just like Christmas at home. There’s even a comfy carpeted floor if mum needs a quick lie-down. And there’s a telly on at all times that everyone gazes vacantly at.

Let someone else do the microwaving

No one wants to slave over a microwave for whole minutes on Christmas Day. Put your feet up, sip a glass of Stella, and let someone else irradiate a frozen turkey crown shipped frozen from Romania and bring it to your table. Luxury!

Enjoy a traditional Christmas dinner 

Wetherspoons has pulled out all the stops with its traditional Christmas menu this year: bacon-and-brie pizza, bacon-and-brie toasted sandwich or just a massive plate of cheap pigs in blankets. Your friends will be green with envy if all they’ve had is roast goose with all the trimmings.

Do all your Christmas shopping

No trudging around shops or Amazon boxes: Spoons has all the gifts you need. Your wife will love a Stella; a pint of Stella is the perfect gift for Nan; your kids will be more thrilled by a pitcher of Moscow mule than a robot dinosaur. Get a packet of steak crisps for your cousin Gareth you don’t like.

Celebrate Brexmas with pride

Brexit has been attracting some negative comments recently. Not so in Wetherspoons, where the clientele have just as much faith as ever, like doomsday cult members joyfully drinking cyanide so they can meet Jesus on a spaceship.

Have a mass brawl 

There used to be loads of fighting at Christmas before it got too commercialised. Burn off some Christmas carbs with a bracing altercation against two vans of coppers. Spending Boxing Day in a cell is a great way to get out of visiting the in-laws.