Middle-aged daredevil eats three different ultra-processed foods at lunch

A MIDDLE-AGED man has amazed onlookers by eating three different ultra-processed foods in one sitting.

Reckless 45-year-old glutton Bill McKay accomplished the life-threatening feat after purchasing a Rustlers quarter pounder, a bag of Mini Cheddars and a Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle from his local petrol station.

Carolyn Ryan, who witnessed the stunt, said: “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He made Evel Knievel and those people who ride motorbikes up walls look like pussies.

“No sooner had he scoffed one thing then he was instantly tearing into the next. I dread to think how much palm oil that lunatic was shoving into his system. At least enough to kill a horse, that’s for sure.”

Tom Booker, who joined the awed crowd, said: “There was something beautiful about something so death-defying. With each mouthful people had to hide their eyes, fearing that this would surely be the bite that would finish him off.

“Then for an encore he ripped open a Müller Corner. Only the bravest or stupidest of people tuck into four per cent fruit banana-flavoured puree sprinkled with chocolate flakes. I nearly passed out from the excitement.”

McKay said: “This was just the opening act. Tonight I’m doing hardcore shit like eating a Pukka pie sandwiched between two chocolate chip cookies.”

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How to understand today's youth with the Teen-English Dictionary

HAVING remained a mystery for centuries, a new dictionary has translated the various grunts and noises used by teenagers. Start understanding them with these entries.


(err-gh) derogatory

Fine, I’ll fix your iPhone for you. Honestly, if I wasn’t around to bail you out, you’d be buying a new one every six months. Bit rich considering you give me so much crap for being glued to mine. It comes in handy when yours is knackered and you come whining to me for help.


(hunn-guh) protest

No I’m, not going to ‘friend’ you on Facebook, dad. I’m not even on Facebook. That’s for old people. You might as well ask me if I’m planning on getting a fax machine or a gramophone. Please don’t join TikTok, it’ll be peak cringe.


(fu-uuh) inter-generational resentment

Thanks Boomer for f**king up the economy so badly I won’t be able to retire or afford a cardboard box to live in. But also can I please have 20 quid?


(gwar-rn-guh) frequent and indecipherable hormone-induced rage



(whu-uuh) chiefly Gen Z

You adults have completely ruined the Earth and then have the gall to whinge when we youngsters raise awareness of the problem and try and fix it. It’s just a coincidence that our protests involve skipping school.


(gu-uh) interrogative

Do we really have to go round to gran and grandad’s this weekend? They haven’t got wifi, how am I supposed to keep in touch with my friends? No, I can’t wait until school on Monday to see them. That might be how things worked in your day, but the world’s moved on a little since then.


(m-uh) valid criticism

Sure, complain about the state of modern music. Like the Eighties were the zenith of sonic endeavours. Need I remind you of Twisted Sister?