Big gaudy jewel or cheap boring band: How not to say what you think about a friend's engagement ring

BEING forced to react to an engagement ring? Learn how to bury your honest opinion with this guide.

If the gemstone is big, gaudy, and ugly

Wink and say ‘Ooh, someone’s marrying into money’. God knows whether their fiancé really did pay a fortune for that huge, grotesque rock, but they certainly want everyone to think they did. Maybe, just like buying a Range Rover, size is making up for shortcomings in other departments.

If it’s a cheap, boring silver band

Say it’s minimalist and that decluttering queen Marie Kondo would love it. Alternatively, tell them it’s like the new Subway, Pringles, and Burger King logos: flat and uninspiring, but ultimately in vogue. Besides, diamonds are problematic because of all the mining and child labour exploitation. So even if your friend is disappointed by the lack of bling, at least they have the moral high ground.

If it doesn’t fit properly

If the ring is visibly slipping off their narrow, witch-like fingers, remind your friend they’ll grow into it like when a mum buys a school jumper four sizes too big. At the other end of the spectrum, if it’s choking off the blood supply to their sausagey digits, point out that there’s no risk of it falling off in the bath and spiralling down the plughole. After all, when Goldilocks found stuff that was perfectly-sized, she got threatened by bears, so it must be a bad omen.

If it clearly cost their fiancé their life savings

Who needs a big wedding or a mortgage or the heating on? They can get married in the registry office with four or five friends as witnesses, rent a studio flat in Croydon, and spend the rest of their lives making loan repayments. Just lie to your friend and tell them it’s beautiful, then politely ask if they’ve kept the receipt in case they ever need a refund.

If it’s beautiful and perfect and you’re apocalyptically jealous

You can’t spoil your friend’s special moment. There’ll be plenty of other opportunities to revel in schadenfreude. Maybe it will chuck it down on their beautiful June wedding day. Maybe their baby will look like Steve Buscemi. Grit your teeth and congratulate your friend and her hot, kind, funny, wealthy fiancé who you definitely haven’t had several sex dreams about.

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Snooze button lets man repeat worst part of the day

THE snooze button on a man’s phone allows him to repeat the most torturous part of the day again and again, it has emerged.

As well as briefly switching off his alarm, Nathan Muir’s snooze button has the added function of jolting him back into miserable consciousness at five-minute intervals over the course of half an hour.

He said: “There’s nothing quite as terrifying as waking up to my shit life. And thanks to my phone alarm’s snooze button, I can go through that harrowing experience at least half a dozen times before I get out of bed.

“When I’m asleep I get to live out fantastical dreams. When I’m awake I’m reminded of my measly bank balance and unfulfilled ambitions. No wonder I’m doing my best to stave that off for as long as possible.

“Whoever invented the snooze button really thought it through. It gets worse each time you hit it, until the main thing that wakes you up is self-loathing. I’m surprised Apple doesn’t make a bigger deal of it in their flashy launch speeches.”

Muir’s girlfriend Eleanor Shaw said: “He wouldn’t have so much trouble getting out of bed if he didn’t keep us both up late scrolling on the f**king thing.”