BEING forced to react to an engagement ring? Learn how to bury your honest opinion with this guide.
If the gemstone is big, gaudy, and ugly
Wink and say ‘Ooh, someone’s marrying into money’. God knows whether their fiancé really did pay a fortune for that huge, grotesque rock, but they certainly want everyone to think they did. Maybe, just like buying a Range Rover, size is making up for shortcomings in other departments.
If it’s a cheap, boring silver band
Say it’s minimalist and that decluttering queen Marie Kondo would love it. Alternatively, tell them it’s like the new Subway, Pringles, and Burger King logos: flat and uninspiring, but ultimately in vogue. Besides, diamonds are problematic because of all the mining and child labour exploitation. So even if your friend is disappointed by the lack of bling, at least they have the moral high ground.
If it doesn’t fit properly
If the ring is visibly slipping off their narrow, witch-like fingers, remind your friend they’ll grow into it like when a mum buys a school jumper four sizes too big. At the other end of the spectrum, if it’s choking off the blood supply to their sausagey digits, point out that there’s no risk of it falling off in the bath and spiralling down the plughole. After all, when Goldilocks found stuff that was perfectly-sized, she got threatened by bears, so it must be a bad omen.
If it clearly cost their fiancé their life savings
Who needs a big wedding or a mortgage or the heating on? They can get married in the registry office with four or five friends as witnesses, rent a studio flat in Croydon, and spend the rest of their lives making loan repayments. Just lie to your friend and tell them it’s beautiful, then politely ask if they’ve kept the receipt in case they ever need a refund.
If it’s beautiful and perfect and you’re apocalyptically jealous
You can’t spoil your friend’s special moment. There’ll be plenty of other opportunities to revel in schadenfreude. Maybe it will chuck it down on their beautiful June wedding day. Maybe their baby will look like Steve Buscemi. Grit your teeth and congratulate your friend and her hot, kind, funny, wealthy fiancé who you definitely haven’t had several sex dreams about.