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Girlfriend fine with Bridgerton sex scenes not okay with MILF porn

A MAN has discovered his partner has terrible double standards about sex scenes that are not part of the popular TV show Bridgerton.

Tom Logan’s long-term girlfriend Nikki Hollis enjoyed watching Viscount Bridgerton perform cunnilingus on Kate Sharma, but was strangely annoyed by him watching hot housewife-themed pornography on his laptop.

Logan said: “Nikki seemed totally cool with the sex in Bridgerton, so I assumed it was fine to open my laptop and watch two hot MILFs getting it on with a pizza delivery guy.

“How wrong I was. She was all like ‘What are you doing?’ and ‘For f**k’s sake, Tom’, just because I’d undone my belt and was taking my trousers off.

“It’s the hypocrisy that rankles. Sure, the sexy toffs have a bit of backstory, but how do you know that two large-breasted, dick-hungry MILFs and a well-endowed guy with shaved pubic hair didn’t have an intense, passionate love affair as well?

“Also Cougar Cock Patrol 6 only lasts 20 minutes, which to my mind makes it a more succinct and tightly written piece of drama than Bridgerton.”

Hollis said: “I was probably a bit harsh with Tom. Bridgerton would be much better with some facial ejaculation shots.”

Only so much slimming black can do, middle-aged goth confirms

A PORTLY middle-aged goth has confirmed there is a limit to the slimming capabilities of an all-black wardrobe.

Nathan Muir, 46, has discovered that black jumpers, T-shirts and waistcoats can only do so much when it comes to masking the rotund belly of a body whose only physical exercise is carrying a cane with a skull on it.

He said: “Sure, it helps when you’re in your 20s and 30s. Once decades of eating pies and drinking snakebite and black catch up with you though? No chance.

“Even a thick black leather trench coat can only go so far. And by so far I mean 100 pounds. Eventually you have to accept that you’ve become the chubby chap sitting down at the back of a Megalodon concert.

“It’s not just gloomsters such as myself who get caught out, either. Even normal people with a cheery disposition will eventually succumb to the humiliation of excess flesh. It’s a depressing thought, which weirdly comforts me.”

Fashion expert Donna Sheridan said: “Firstly, no one should be embarrassed about their body shape. As a society we shouldn’t tolerate fat-shaming.

“However, if you’re sensitive about your weight, painting your face like Gene Simmons and dressing like a vampire is only going to draw attention to yourself. Black or no black.”

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