Self-centred anecdote, GIF, moody photo: The six stages of celebrity death grief

CELEBRITIES continue to die at a depressing rate, but how should you process your feelings? If you’re on social media, do this.

The shocked reaction

Internalised emotional reactions are so last century. Your every thought, no matter how inane, needs to be broadcast to the entire planet complete with the corresponding hashtag, and celebrity deaths are no exception. Lost for words? Sum up your feels with the crying/crying with laughter emoji [delete as applicable].

The self-centred anecdote

Having processed your initial thoughts in a way that’s tailored to get the most likes, it’s time to make yourself the centre of the story. Perhaps you saw the celebrity in question once at the airport, or maybe you passed them in the street? Either way, regale people with this anecdote as if you both shared a deep spiritual connection, whereas in reality they had no idea who you are.

The trite fan art

The Queen set the bar high for this one. That drawing of her strolling off into the afterlife hand-in-hand with Paddington is the magnum opus of shit celebrity death fan art. Don’t let that stop you from having a go though. If you’re quick enough and not completely crap at drawing, you might go viral and form the basis of a new meme. In the modern world, that’s the highest compliment.

The ‘in memoriam’ GIF

Sometimes static images alone cannot encapsulate the depth of your grief. Sometimes you’re so sad that only a short, looped piece of silent footage will convey your emotions. Fortunately, you can access these easily on social media via a vast bank of GIFs. Simply type in a dead celebrity’s name and hey presto, instant mourning material. Try to pick one where they look sad though.

The never-before-expressed love

You never mentioned the recently departed celebrity before in your life, but now everyone is talking about them you don’t want to feel left out. That means you’d better start spouting off about how amazing you thought they were, but maybe do a cursory Google beforehand to make sure they weren’t a dictator or a serial killer.

The moody photo

Run out of trite nothings to say? Play it safe by posting a moody black-and-white photo of the celebrity for some easy engagement. For an extra, classy touch, maybe caption it with something like ‘a real one’ or ‘until we meet again’. Don’t worry, it doesn’t look creepy and weird. Not even slightly. You’re good.

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Man who accidentally used girlfriend's shower gel horrified to find he smells nice

A MAN who unknowingly used his partner’s mango and passion fruit shower gel is utterly disgusted at how delightful he smells.

Jordan Gardner meant to lather his body in a gel named ICE LIGHTNING SUPER CLEAN FOR MEN with a pungent chemical smell, but instead found himself assaulted by a soft, silky liquid that magically transported him to a tropical jungle of odours.

He said: “It was horrible. I normally use a shower gel that’s basically multi-purpose cleaning fluid packaged in a macho bottle resembling a round of ammunition. But this one was all weird and soothing and made me feel like a new woman.

“I want to wash with something that promises to make me strong enough to wrestle a shark. Not something that will feel nice on my body or make others think I smell good. What’s the point in a shower gel that does that?

“Real men aim to smell as unappealing as possible. I don’t even walk too near flowers in case I pick up some of their scent. And don’t even get me started on eating fruit. I’m not sexist but blokes shouldn’t do that.”

Gardner’s girlfriend Lucy Parry said: “It can be very dangerous using a shower gel meant for the opposite gender. I once used his by mistake and spent the day fighting the uncontrollable urge to call people ‘bro’.”