Dads call for insulting birthday cards to be classed as hate speech

FATHERS have called for birthday cards that stereotype them as lazy, useless drunks to be classified as hate speech.

After decades of being abused on an annual basis, dads want to be given cards that celebrate them as rounded individuals rather than generic flatulent alcoholics.

Father-of-two Martin Bishop said: “Imagine if you claimed any other group in society was exclusively made up of heavy drinkers who fart all the time and can’t stay awake past the first five minutes of a film. Social justice warriors would be all over you on social media, and rightly so.

“But put that same view on a birthday card under the word ‘Dad’, with an ironically repurposed vintage photo or a naive cartoon and somehow it’s hilarious, rather than hateful.

“And it’s not just the kids. My wife routinely gives me ‘joke’ cards that suggest I’m a crap husband who’s bad in bed and can’t put a shelf up to save my life. Where does it end?

“I’m starting an online petition against this hate speech. Other dads I know agree with me and will sign it if I send them the link. Which I will do as soon as I’ve watched the football on the telly.”

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Woman doomed to spend the rest of her life in warm shower

A WOMAN has found herself physically incapable of stepping out of her warm shower and into the cold atmosphere of her bathroom.

Mary Fisher has resigned herself to spending the rest of her life in the steamy cubicle due to the fear of the few unpleasant seconds between leaving it and wrapping herself in a towel.

Fisher said: “It’s just not happening. If I ever leave the shower, I know I’ll freeze up like Han Solo at the end of The Empire Strikes Back.

“What’s worse is that I’ve forgotten to turn on the heated rail, so not only will I have to leave this delightful warmth but I’ll have to wrap myself in a chilly, damp towel. Ten SAD lamps couldn’t drag me from the pit of seasonal depression into which that experience would plunge me.

“So I’ve decided just to live in here. Yes, I’ll shrivel up like a prune, and it’s going to be interesting finding out whether Head & Shoulders has any nutritional value, but it’s the only solution to my plight.

“Or maybe I’ll drown. But that would probably be better than setting foot into the freezing misery of the British winter.”