Rural neighbours who can't do enough for you a pain in the arse

CITY dwellers who relocated to the countryside for a quieter life find their friendly, helpful village neighbours an absolute pain in the backside.

Tom and Donna Logan, who moved to Norfolk after hectic careers in London, were initially touched but then swiftly extremely irritated by the couple next door and their efforts to help them bed into the community.

Donna Logan said: “Bill and Susan left us a basket of apples from their tree as a housewarming present. Which was a lovely gesture, but they were tiny, sour and disgusting. I put them on the compost, which Susan saw and came round to ask if we were allergic or something.

“Later we came home and found them in the kitchen. They’d let themselves in with a key they had from the previous owner. Bill was mending a leak under the sink and Susan was making a crumble with fruit she made sure to tell me she’d driven to the Waitrose in Swaffham for.

“And last week we were getting a bit frisky in the bedroom one afternoon when Bill appeared at the window up a ladder, as he’d taken it upon himself to clean the windows. ‘Don’t mind me!’ he said, as we scrambled to get our underwear on.

“We’re considering moving back to the city. You can get a bit of peace there.”

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Only 12 celebrities you know left after yesterday

THERE are only 12 public figures you know left after this week’s flurry of celebrity deaths, it has been confirmed.

The recent passing of Henry Kissinger, Alistair Darling and Shane MacGowan means there are only a dozen celebrities that you recognise remaining, and even that number is set to dwindle by the start of 2024.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “2016 was notable for thinning the herd, but 2023 has been just as brutal. If you’re famous and still alive, well done.

“From Matthew Perry to Sinéad O’Connor, every corner of celebrity has been ravaged. In comparison, the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs was a non-event.

“You probably started to notice celebrities disappearing when they announced the contestants for Strictly Come Dancing. Rather than being a host of familiar faces, they’ve gradually become a smorgasbord of strangers.

“By this time next year the last few will have slipped away and you’ll be marooned in a cultural wilderness of TikTok stars and high profile vloggers. Your grandparents went through a similar thing in the late Seventies, so ask them for tips on how to cope.”

Martin Bishop from Hastings said: “Can’t we protect them in a special zoo or something? Once David Attenborough goes there won’t be any point in living.”