Middle class woman counts cheese as a hobby

A MIDDLE class woman has confused a potential suitor by counting cheese as one of her hobbies and interests.

Joshua Hudson was left baffled during a dinner date with Francesca Johnson after she simply said the word ‘cheese’ when asked what she enjoyed doing outside of work.

Hudson said: “That was all she said. Cheese. And she said it with an confident smile as if it wasn’t a completely insane thing to classify as a pastime.

“I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked if she meant making cheese or selling cheese, but she didn’t give anything away. All she did was laugh in a patronising way like I was the one who was talking ridiculous bullshit.

“I tried to let it slide but I couldn’t focus on anything else she talked about all evening. My mind just played back her bewildering cheese obsession over and over.

“At least she didn’t say something infuriatingly vague and meaningless like she loved adventures or being spontaneous. Cheese is a definite thing, despite being f**king weird.”

Johnson said: “I don’t see why Josh is so confused. Cheese, you know what I mean?”

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Ugly munters running out of excuses not to get kissed

WITH mistletoe smooches now permitted, unattractive people are fast running out of reasons for not kissing.

The nation’s undesirable Morlocks have been left scrambling for excuses why they will not be kissing this Christmas after Sajid Javid told the public they are free to snog who they wish.

Solid three out of 10 Helen Archer said: “Us uggos had it easy last year, we could just pin our festive dry spell on the social restrictions. In comparison this Christmas will be the sexually abstinent death march we’ve come to dread.

“A group of us are currently workshopping plausible excuses for not locking lips but none of them sound convincing. Nobody will believe we’ve got a partner waiting back at home, and protests that our mouths are too dry will be laughed out of the room.

“It’s not like we can seduce people with our dazzling personalities either. Years of being grimaced at has turned us into cantankerous crones with no appealing qualities. We still have needs though, horrific sexual needs.

“The only sensible solution is that all us ugly people make out with each other. But none of us want to do that because we’d much rather canoodle with hotties.”