Incredibly stupid times your partner decides to tell you something important

DOES your partner have an important piece of information they simply must impart? They’ll choose one of these inappropriate times to do it:

When they’re on the phone and you’re halfway out the door

Your partner is on a work call and you’re leaving the house for an appointment. However, that won’t stop them from mouthing and gesturing at you desperately while you’re walking away from them. Ignore them, whatever they have to say is pointless and will just make you late.

When you’re having sex

You’re in the middle of an incredible shag and you think your partner is too, until you open your eyes and see them looking at you critically as you hump away. It’s at this moment that they decide to tell you that they can really see your blackheads this close up and it might be wise to get one of those pore strips that rips them all out.

While you’re trying to parallel park on a busy road

You’re trying to squeeze the car into a tiny space, there’s a queue of impatient motorists building up behind you, and your partner thinks now is the moment to explain why you were wrong during that argument you had three days ago. You prang the car. Another, bigger argument ensues.

At the cinema

You’re watching a quiet scene in an emotional art house film and your partner decides they must relay a tedious anecdote about something that happened at work today. You’re horribly embarrassed about the irritated shushing from the row behind but you also can’t really blame your partner as the film is crushingly dull.

When you’re asleep

Your partner spent all day fretting there was something they need to tell you, but they’ve forgotten what. Luckily, they remember it in the middle of the night and wake you up and tell you whatever piece of trivial nonsense it is. They fall blissfully asleep and you lie awake for the rest of the night wanting to kill them.

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All back to Chequers for the piss-up of the year, roars Johnson

THE prime minister has promised that his weekend residence will be open to the general public for a mass UK Christmas piss-up in December.

Following criticism that he and his pals were laughing it up at Number 10 in 2020 while the public was isolated from loved ones, Boris Johnson has made a desperate bid for popularity by inviting everyone back to his.

Johnson said: “This isn’t one of those idiotic, reckless promises I make to bail myself out of a jam when everything’s gone tits-up.

“Chequers is a jolly big place with world-class cellars and however many Brits turn up there’ll be plenty of chairs and tables. Just don’t steal the ashtrays. Actually do what you want, I’ll be wankered and pissing in a fountain.

“Of course, masks will be absolutely mandatory except when chinwagging and quaffing, or breathing in general.”

Sceptics, including Labour leader Keir Starmer, have expressed doubts that Chequers will be able to cope with an influx of 40 million shitfaced Britons.

Johnson said: “It’s typical of Captain Hindsight and his friends to do Britain down and suggest we can’t get this piss-up done.”

In the last hour, a statement of clarification has been issued by Downing Street: “The Chequers Christmas party will be by invitation only to select cronies and members of the public should f**k off home.”