A WOMAN eats a bowl of porridge each morning that is made up of 11 per cent oats and 89 per cent a load of other crap, it has emerged.
Lauren Hewitt adds such a varied medley of fruit, seeds, nuts, milks, yogurts and powders to her breakfast that it can barely claim to be porridge at all.
Her boyfriend Oliver O’Connor said: “She puts so many added extras in that it looks like a Holland & Barrett has vomited into a bowl. Although Lauren wouldn’t shop at Holland & Barrett, as she says it’s the Lidl of health food shops.
“Instead she’s spending a fortune in a specialist online store on organic ground flaxseed and other shit that looks and tastes like dust, all of which costs much more than normal food and has been recommended by her yoga teacher. Who I’m sure she fancies, by the way.
“With all the nuts and berries and stuff she says she’s getting over 800 per cent of her GDA of vitamins and fibre and feels amazing, but all I’ve noticed is that she farts like a trooper. Her yoga class must smell like a farmyard.”
Hewitt said: “It’s a f**king horrible breakfast but I’m determined to stick with it as I know how good it is for my smugness levels.”