Five things you've learned about your date's ex before the main course arrives

DINNER, drinks and too much information about your date’s ex is the worst way to start a new relationship. Here’s what you’ll learn before you’ve finished your calamari:

They met in the sweetest way

Before the waiter has even taken the drinks order you’ll be neck deep in an in-depth analysis of your prospective partner’s last relationship, starting with how they met their ex. Forget When Harry Met Sally, this pair had a beginning so serendipitous that even a Hollywood film producer would think it too schmaltzy. But sure, dating apps like the one you met on are alright too.

They had a spectacular first date in Paris

Their connection was so intense that your date’s ex invited them on a whim to jump on the Eurostar to Paris, where they drank fine wine under the stars and kissed at the top of the Eiffel Tower. For reference, you are in a Pizza Express in Guildford.

They were fitter than you

They tell you you’re much more conventionally good-looking than their ex. You take this as a nice compliment until they show you a picture of the pair of them together and you learn they had a completely symmetrical face that made them unconventionally attractive in the manner of a supermodel.

They were amazing in bed

It’s not considered proper to have any bedroom talk on a first date and you definitely did not need a full description of their electric, tantric lovemaking recounted in a blow-by-blow account. At this stage they will let slip that they fought a lot, but it was just because their ex is such a passionate person, and also the make up sex was incredible.

They’re definitely not over

As if the 25 minutes they’ve been talking about their ex didn’t make it obvious enough, your date has now explicitly said that they’ll ‘never find a connection like that again’ and ‘people have a way of working their way back to you’. Now is the time to cut your losses and ask for the bill.

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Lightweight pissed after 10 pints

A MAN who is pissed after drinking 10 pints in quick succession has been branded an ’embarrassing lightweight’ by his friends.

Despite only drinking over five litres of 5.4 per cent IPA within the space of a few hours, Ryan Whittaker started to feel intoxicated and was told to man up.

Fellow drinker Tom Booker said: “It’s totally normal to drink a volume of strong ale you could swim in and yet he’s starting to feel a bit out of it. I’ve never seen anyone handle their drink so badly.

“After knocking back the eighth pint he started to slur his words and developed a heightened sense of self-esteem, which is pretty f**king rich seeing as getting pissed that easily is nothing to feel smug about.”

Friend Wayne Hayes added: “At first we all thought he was winding us up. After all, who gets drunk by necking over a gallon of booze in one sitting? I do it every weekend and there’s nothing wrong with me, aside from this massive belly and permanent memory loss.”

Ryan said: “Maybe if I keep going I’ll get a second wind and metabolise these pints faster. Or perhaps I’ll go blind. Only one way to find out.”