FOLLOWING Brexit and Covid, traditional Christmas markets are now a grumpy bastard from Walsall selling cans of Carling out of a shed.
The lack of continental traders and social distancing requirements mean that traditional Christmas markets of Brie, glühwein and carved wooden toys have been reduced to one man who does not want to be there overcharging you for lager.
Nathan Muir of Leeds said: “He’s got a Bluetooth speaker playing Christmas songs, but he keeps it inside the shed because he ‘doesn’t like the look of these thieving f**king kids’.
“Carling’s a fiver a can. There’s a few fairy lights strung on the shed roof. Every 40 minutes he locks the shed door and goes and has a fag just behind it.
“I asked if there were any stalls coming, selling Christmas crafts and lovely handmade fudge, and he said there was ‘none of that shit this year’. Then he asked if I was buying a Carling or not, and if I wasn’t then piss off out of it and stop wasting his time.”
Roy Hobbs, who is running the Christmas market, said: “Yeah, all the French and Germans and that f**king shower couldn’t come because of Brexit. Good riddance.
“We invented Christmas anyway. You can come down here and get rat-arsed in the cold and that’s it.”