Mum eats entire Easter egg with head in cupboard

A MOTHER-OF-TWO has consumed an entire Cadburys’ Easter egg by sticking her head in a cupboard so her children remained unaware.

Emma Bradford, aged 40, ate the egg not in a single sitting but in a series of surreptitions and unnecessary visits to the cupboard over the course of an afternoon.

She said: “In my defence it’s a Mini Eggs one, and therefore substantially harder to resist than crack cocaine.

“It’s delicious, the children were being stupid and annoying and undeserving of its bounty, and I needed a reward for having bought the eggs so nice and early.

“I had to keep the radio on to disguise the noise of me unwrapping the egg because, while they’re unable to hear me shouting to brush their teeth, they can detect the rustling of purple foil from 100 feet away.

“At one point they were crowding around my lower half asking what I was doing, so I explained I was scrubbing the cupboard after a jam spill because they’d left the lid off and did they want to help? That scattered them pretty effectively.

“I’m about to go and buy more eggs. I’ve got my eye on a Buttons one next. I reckon I can probably repeat the whole manoeuvre three more times before Easter.”

Daughter Charlie said: “I wonder why Mummy keeps putting her head in the cupboard? Zack says it’s because she’s vaping weed.”

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How to get that low-effort, barely-there make-up look in 24 easy steps

CRAVING that simple, natural, no make-up look? Let beauty expert Carolyn Ryan guide you through with this straightforward 24-step guide. 

1.     Look at yourself in the mirror. Note your flaws.

2.     Remember the mantra – ‘You are naturally beautiful. You would just look more naturally beautiful with a few cosmetic enhancements.’

3.     Start with a clean slate by applying an oil-based cleanser.

4.     Double-cleanse by repeating the first step with a second, more rigorous cleanser. The more it burns, the better.

5.     Triple-cleanse with a gentle soy cleanser, to undo the damage of the second one.

6.     Exfoliate the T-zone with an all-natural, homemade sugar scrub, purchasable at any luxury beauty outlet.

7.     Apply a toning mist to the face, neck and chest to bring your skin back to its natural pH level.

8.     Get your make-up bag, filled to the brim with high-quality basics. There’s list of products I personally recommend in a paid collaboration with the manufacturers on my Instagram.

9.     Apply a pea-sized amount of primer to all areas of the face except the delicate under-eye area.

10.  Apply under-eye primer to the delicate under-eye area.

11.  Curl your lashes with a tool that kind of looks like forceps, if you think about it. But don’t think about it.

12.  Plump your unnaturally thin lips with a plumping lip mask, to give them a naturally plumped look.

13.  Pluck your eyebrow hairs.

14.  Draw back in the eyebrow hairs that you plucked with an eyebrow pencil.

15.  Line your eyes with a dark brown kohl. A true black will look like you’re wearing eyeliner, which is the last thing we want.

16.  Apply mascara – enough to make your eyes pop but not so much that it looks like you have a spider beneath each eyelid.

17.  Apply a light coverage foundation. Ensure that it matches your skin colour exactly but covers every inch of your bare skin.

18.  Cover any areas where your skin is wrinkled, blemished or otherwise horrible with a layer of heavy-duty concealer.

19.  Apply powder to set the foundation and concealer in place. Remember not to sweat after this point. If you sweat any of it off during the day all your work will have been for nothing.

20.   Apply a setting spray to set the powder in place on top of the foundation and concealer.

21.  Apply a coat of lipstick. The colour should be close enough to your natural lip colour that no-one suspects you’re wearing any, while the texture should be as reflective as polished steel.

22.  Dab away the lipstick with a tissue, because you probably applied too much. Remember this is a barely-there look.

23.  Admire yourself in the mirror. Don’t you look like you’re not wearing all that make-up you spent a lot of money on?

24.  Enjoy your new life as the kind of person women envy and men respect.