New McPlant burger lets vegans feel ashamed and disgusted too

MCDONALD’S have introduced a new plant-based burger that lets vegans experience the shame and disgust of consuming vile, greasy processed food.

The McPlant burger consists of a meat-substitute patty, a slice of vegan cheese, mustard, pickles and the classic McDonalds air-and-polystyrene bun.

A spokesman explained: “We wanted to offer vegans something that delivers the same taste you would expect from a normal burger, which is to say sordid and repugnant.

“The provenance of the ‘meat’ element is even more mysterious than our reclaimed-arsehole burgers and adding plastic vegan cheese makes it truly unpalatable. You’ll be burping this one for days.

“We’re delighted to welcome vegans into our restaurants where they can be served by our resentful three-star workers before quickly and miserably consuming their food in an brightly-lit environment full of screaming children.

“McDonald’s is for everyone. Come on a Saturday night, there’s fights.”

Vegan Sophie Rodriguez said: “The Greggs vegan sausage roll makes me feel cheap and used, but it does at least taste nice.

“After eating the McPlant burger I felt degraded, humiliated and like I had let my parents down. But only for 30 minutes. Then I went back for another one.”

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We need a shit lying lawbreaker of a leader because war is coming

THE United Kingdom could soon be at war. And in wartime we need a strong, lying, blame-everyone-else leader with no moral backbone who cares only for himself. 

Now is not the time to unseat a prime minister just because he lied to the House, lied to the public and takes bribes for wallpaper. Now is the time to stand by him.

Tensions are rising in the Ukraine. Conflict with Russia seems inevitable. Can our country afford to be embroiled in a Conservative leadership campaign while the Red Army marches? To be weighing up the benefits of Truss vs Raab as the missiles fly?

Of course not. That would be to give succor to our enemies. The very last thing Putin wants is to face a powerful, resolute leader, tempered in the fire of getting away scot-free with criminal activity, despised by the people he is supposed to represent.

Up against a prime minister who has once again got away with it, who has once again established that his actions have no consequences for himself, who is prepared to take any risk with British lives to be popular again? Putin would be terrified.

You cannot replace a leader on the eve of war. Churchill, who leading Buddhists believe has been reincarnated as Boris Johnson, knew that better than anyone.

So whatever the outcome of Sue Gray’s report, Boris must remain in office, hated and distrusted by his MPs and voters, for the role of wartime leader he is congenitally unfit for and will soon be bored with. We have no other choice.