ARE you unsure whether you’d shag posh celebrity chef Nigella Lawson or posh celebrity chef Ella Woodward? Let’s try to resolve this improbable sexual dilemma.
Nigella: Cooks basically everything, from beef wellington to Thai noodles, with a bias toward hearty, meaty food. ‘Perfect’ is not a word to be used lightly, but Nigella is very close.
Ella: Sticks to healthy vegan stuff. This wouldn’t matter if it was a one-night stand, but could lead to frustration for a meat-eater in a longer-term sexual relationship with Ella. So basically it depends on your sexual fantasy.
Nigella: What can you say? Extremely pretty, charming smile, great tits. You don’t think anyone was watching to learn how to make a side dish of red cabbage with cranberries, do you?
Ella: Also extremely attractive, with perfect features. You wouldn’t think someone could make chickpea burgers sexy.
Winner: F**king hell, this is a difficult one. Can’t this fantasy turn into an even unlikelier threesome?
Nigella: Poshness is a key part of this rather sad sexual fantasy, and Nigella scores well, being the daughter of former Conservative chancellor Nigel Lawson, now a baron and global warming weirdo in France.
Ella: Daughter of Tory MP Shaun Woodward and granddaughter of Lord Sainsbury, which must be handy for flogging her sweet potato brownies. Went to Rugby School, whose famous alumni include Neville Chamberlain. Not suggesting she’d appease Hitler, just that she’s definitely posh.
Winner: Uncertain. Not a fag paper between them, as far as we can see. You’d probably have to ask a posh person.
Nigella: There was a lot of silly nonsense about Nigella taking cocaine, but to any sensible person this just adds to her fun-ness. She also seems quite modest and insecure at times. What an absolute tosser Charles Saatchi must be.
Ella: Seems very nice, but almost certainly has a tendency to talk about the surprising versatility of kale.
Likelihood of this fantasy ever actually happening
Nigella: Some pretty serious life changes are going to be required to shag Nigella. It’s not a prerequisite to be super-rich, but an income of, say, £500,000 a year would count in your favour. Owning an art gallery would be handy. And you’d need to become more cultured and interesting. Even then she just might not fancy you.
Ella: Again, some catching up to do, probably involving a punishing exercise regime and extensive plastic surgery/dental work. The fact that she’s married doesn’t help your chances either, which a quick calculation suggests are roughly 0.000000000000001 per cent.
Despite Ella’s youth and American fluffy pancakes with blueberries, Nigella is the clear winner. You are now free of the burden of worrying about what to do if Nigella Lawson and Ella Woodward simultaneously start coming on to you at the bus stop.