IN DECADES past, loving parents dished up these foodstuffs to their children and somehow they survived. You’d never give this shit to your own kids:
Findus Crispy pancakes
Salty processed meat or cheese in a pocket of gluteny crap that’s still swimming in your arteries to this day, awaiting the inevitable heart attack. But so delicious.
Is it turkey? Is it ham? Nobody knows and nobody cares because you’d eat that bad boy right from the packet while you were waiting for your dinner.
Bernard Matthews Turkey Roast
Processed turkey meat rolled up into a convenient family meal. Best not to think about how much actual meat was in them, or the percentage that was reclaimed turkey anus.
Boil-in-the-bag cod in parsley sauce
Smelt so much worse than it tasted, which left plenty of leeway for it to taste f**king foul. Plopped on the plate next to some Smash and frozen peas, your parents felt this was a nice healthy meal and would nag you to eat the lot or you wouldn’t get any Angel Delight.
A breakfast and agony in one, because if you dared bite into it before an undefined cooling period your mouth and tongue would be severely burned on white-hot sugary jam. But American kids ate them so you did because America was so cool then.
Looked like juice, tasted like juice, but was actually liquid sugar plus E-numbers now banned by the EU. Set for a comeback.
What was it about the 90s and turkey? Was there a turkey overpopulation we’d sworn to cull by any means? The chicken dippers of the decade were shaped into an attractive spiral to underline how unnatural it was. Bloody lovely though.
Whichever genius decided chips would be better cut crinkly, they were right. Fried in a pan of fat on the hob, full of salt and served with fishfingers and frozen mixed veg. This is why your parents needed that chest freezer in the garage. They were visionaries.
Balls of processed chicken with a garlic cream centre, like a gross Cadbury’s Creme Egg you can enjoy all year round. Were considered sophisticated and continental.