ABSTAINING from animal products is on nobody’s to-do list this January because the ethical living fad is dead.
The once-popular pledge to go vegan for January is now considered as old-fashioned as Brat Summer and Barbenheimer, meaning no one will get through the month without gnawing on at least a few dead animals.
Nikki Hollis of Surbiton said: “Veganuary was a quaint little trend while it lasted. I’ve got fond memories of feeling morally superior simply by gagging down some Quorn chunks.
“Nothing that twee has a place on the mean streets of 2026 though. Even eating animals seems tame. These days we’d have no qualms about asking ChatGPT for the best ways to season and tenderise human flesh.”
Tom Booker from Stroud said: “I was well into Veganuary when it was an up-and-coming act touring obscure eateries. But as soon as the Guardian heard about it and it went mainstream, I knew it was on the way out.
“Same goes for Movember and Plastic Free July, which I bet you haven’t even heard of. Everyone’s too sad and poor to follow their moral compass, so who cares if they cheer themselves up with some chops and a couple of burgers?
“It’s not like Veganuary protects animals anyway. Thanks to industrial farming there’s shitloads of them. Broadly speaking, they’ll live.”
