Nobody sharing plates wants to

NOT a single person in a restaurant who is sharing plates wants to be doing so, it has been confirmed.

Everyone nibbling away on small communal plates deeply resents their decision and would much rather be tucking into heaps of food piled onto their own designated dish instead.

Disgruntled diner Martin Bishop said: “It only takes one person to suggest getting sharing plates then you all have to go along with it for fear of looking selfish. Even though one plate per person has worked perfectly well for millennia.

“I don’t want a spread of bitesize morsels where I have to fight for every mouthful. I’d be much happier with a mound of nosh I can dig into at my leisure and defend with my fork if anyone dares to try pinching a bit. It’s been the natural human instinct since caveman times.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Tapas is bad enough, but at least you know what you’re letting yourself in for. Sharing plates sound good but ultimately are nothing more than handfuls of chips and nachos served at a jacked-up price. F**k that.

“Plus there’s always one bastard who inhales the samosas before you can get to them, and some other prick who scoffs more than their fair share of chicken wings but will end up paying the same. They should make sharing plates illegal and preferably punishable by death.”

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Seven bands you've pretended to like because a man did

HE played them all the time, you preferred to avoid an argument, so you pretended Kasabian were good. You also have to live with these lies:

The Fall

It’s just a man f**king shouting. But your university boyfriend was firmly into The Fall, decrying anyone who failed to recognise their genius as idiots and you didn’t want to be an idiot. Consequently you once had sex to Imperial Wax Solvent.

Guided By Voices

The American Fall, with 35 albums of growly garage to their credit. You got off with a guy during their Reading set and a week later he sent you a CD of theirs in the post. A week later another one. Ten CDs in, he stopped. Until another one a year later. Then he stopped.

Little Mix

No romance here – your gay friend’s a Mixer, DJs them at club nights, you go along, it’s fun enough to dance to, sure, you love Little Mix too! Why not? Two months later he texts ‘Omigod babes got us Mix tix FRONT f**king ROW you owe me £380’.

The Beatles

Not one specific man but every Tinder date claims to love the Beatles, so you have to claim you love the Beatles because you’re not being the date who says ‘the Beatles suck dick’, and you talk about the Beatles. But it turns out none of them ever play the Beatles.

Bruce Springsteen

It was dubious, how much he was into Bruce. Calling him the Boss, an LP of his denim ass proudly displayed, going on about his legendary stamina, just dedicated to an all-American working hunk of a man never suspected of being even a little bit gay. Best to keep quiet.

Snoop Dogg

He has a lovely flow and seems a nice man, but Snoop’s lyrics are a little… focused, aren’t they? On women being nothing but sexual objects under his control? And murder? You had to play along, obviously, nobody likes a killjoy.

The Eagles

The most boring, basic rock band in existence, to the point their members were called Don, Glenn and Bernie. Their albums are lavish studio hymns to how much cocaine you can do and still be shit-dull. You still pretend they’re good so as not to upset your dad.