Only surviving ingredient of Easter nests is cornflakes

A MUM who congratulated herself on her forward planning has had to re-purchase the ingredients for Easter nests four times so far.

Carolyn Ryan decided to buy Mini Eggs early because they were on special offer, then had to go out and buy them again, and a further two times after that.

Ryan said: “I thought I could open the packet and eat just one or two. However, it turns out that being 38 and legally designated an adult is not the same thing as having self-control.

“Then there’s the chocolate. The first time I bought Dairy Milk, which lasted approximately three hours after returning home from the shops.

“The second time I got wise and bought cheap supermarket brand cooking chocolate. Turns out I’m willing to eat that, too.

“I’m not sure how excited the kids will be when they learn that their favourite, must-have Easter nests are basically a small handful of cornflakes.

“But at least I won’t have to feel guilty about them eating chocolate for breakfast.”

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Key points for your crappy little Easter garden get-together

PLANNING an Easter get-together in your garden with a strictly limited number of family members? Make sure it’s no fun for anyone with these tips: 

Wank on about social distancing

Really ruin that reunion feel by shouting ‘social distancing’ whenever anyone gets too close, using cut lengths of cane to enforce the two-metre rule. It will be especially annoying when you say it whilst people who haven’t seen each other for months are hugging goodbye.

Don’t prepare for the weather

It was sunny for two-and-a-half days this week, so you assumed it would never end. Now it’s cold just like the meteorologists predicted, and your response is not to try and mitigate its effects but to repeatedly say, ‘Ooh and it was so lovely on Tuesday.’

Be stingy with drink

Open one bottle of prosecco between six, because you can’t have dangerous drunkenness in your garden and everyone has to drive home. Under extreme duress open a second bottle and dole out another 125ml of alcohol. It’s okay, nobody can go in your house and see how much booze you’ve really got.

Barbecue

Your kitchen is just there. You could go in and out with food on paper plates and nobody would be at risk. But instead decide it’s ‘safer’ to have a barbecue because that way you’re doing every part of the process by hand, ensuring infection, while guests cough heavily in the shifting column of smoke.

End prematurely

Your grandmother’s not seen family since October, and she’s been driven 65 miles from her care home especially for this. Yeah but you’re bored and your warm house and big telly are right there. After no more than 90 minutes clap your hands and say ‘Well, this has been fun!’ and wait for everyone to leave, which they don’t because this isn’t Zoom and you can’t make them.