A minuscule jewel-studded thong: five things to buy now the contactless limit is £100

THE contactless payment limit has risen from £45 to £100, so what will you be spending your frictionless money on in an economy ravaged by inflation?

One drink in a theatre

After a forced closure of 14 months, theatres will soon be able to fling open their doors so that patrons can reserve a £55 glass of sauvignon blanc for the interval. With no need for cash payments, customers will be able to frivolously drain their bank accounts on expensive Les Miserables-themed cocktails such as ‘Do You Hear the People Vodka Stinger’.

An Easter egg

Gone are the days of Easter eggs costing a pound from the garage. A modern one will set you back approximately £70, after having been rolled in artisanal nuts and filled with edible gemstones. Jesus won’t die for your sins unless you pay for a luxurious chocolate egg, so get tapping.

Agent Provocateur thong

Despite being constructed out of a few cleverly arranged pieces of dental floss and some fake diamonds, a single Agent Provocateur thong somehow always costs upwards of £70. You may feel fancy and sexy purchasing one for yourself or your partner, but when you realise you can buy 55 pairs of cotton pants for the same price from M&S, you might be less inclined to tap so freely.

A trip to the cinema

Looking forward to going to the cinema again? You should be, because, thanks to the new contactless limit, you can now purchase your tickets, popcorn and a bucket of coke with just one tap of your card. Don’t decide to get a hot dog as well though, because apart from making you want to vomit before the trailers are over, it will put you over the £100 limit.

Manchester to Birmingham train ticket

But only if you’ve booked it 17 weeks in advance. Otherwise you’re going to need your pin. And possibly a bank loan.


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'Can’t believe we got through it' says employed homeowner with loving family and no worries

A MAN with no real-world problems is amazed that he and his family have survived the UK’s winter lockdown.

Having faced no adversity beyond occasionally hearing about his wife’s struggles to book an Ocado slot, Martin Bishop is relieved that the overwhelming weight of lockdown is beginning to lift.

Bishop said: “It’s incredible that our close-knit nuclear family stayed sane despite the fact that we had to stay in the confines of our spacious home and massive garden for so long.

“Homeschooling the kids was tough because we had to make sure they were sitting in front of their laptops to learn from the private school teachers we pay thousands of pounds each term.

“Not to mention the fact that we all had to hop into the Land Rover and go for a drive whenever the cleaner was in, just in case she breathed her low-income viral load on us.”

Bishop’s wife, Marianne, said: “We’re going to buy ourselves a treat as a pat on the back for doing so well. Just something small, like a holiday cottage in Penzance.”