Monday, 19th April 2021

A minuscule jewel-studded thong: five things to buy now the contactless limit is £100

THE contactless payment limit has risen from £45 to £100, so what will you be spending your frictionless money on in an economy ravaged by inflation?

One drink in a theatre

After a forced closure of 14 months, theatres will soon be able to fling open their doors so that patrons can reserve a £55 glass of sauvignon blanc for the interval. With no need for cash payments, customers will be able to frivolously drain their bank accounts on expensive Les Miserables-themed cocktails such as ‘Do You Hear the People Vodka Stinger’.

An Easter egg

Gone are the days of Easter eggs costing a pound from the garage. A modern one will set you back approximately £70, after having been rolled in artisanal nuts and filled with edible gemstones. Jesus won’t die for your sins unless you pay for a luxurious chocolate egg, so get tapping.

Agent Provocateur thong

Despite being constructed out of a few cleverly arranged pieces of dental floss and some fake diamonds, a single Agent Provocateur thong somehow always costs upwards of £70. You may feel fancy and sexy purchasing one for yourself or your partner, but when you realise you can buy 55 pairs of cotton pants for the same price from M&S, you might be less inclined to tap so freely.

A trip to the cinema

Looking forward to going to the cinema again? You should be, because, thanks to the new contactless limit, you can now purchase your tickets, popcorn and a bucket of coke with just one tap of your card. Don’t decide to get a hot dog as well though, because apart from making you want to vomit before the trailers are over, it will put you over the £100 limit.

Manchester to Birmingham train ticket

But only if you’ve booked it 17 weeks in advance. Otherwise you’re going to need your pin. And possibly a bank loan.