Piercing a Capri Sun, and other packages that are impossible to open

SOME food packaging is more impenetrable than Fort Knox. Here are ones you will always humiliatingly fail at trying to open.

Ketchup sachets

The manufacturers of every single fast-food ketchup sachet have one wish – that you never actually get to have ketchup with your food. If you dream of enjoying your chips with some delicious ketchup, prepare to impotently wrestle with the ‘tear here’ on a small pouch of sauce for upwards of five minutes.

Capri Sun

Small children’s motor-skills are f**king useless, so a small sack of juice was a recipe for disaster. Trying to puncture a Capri-Sun using their flaccid excuse for a straw would invariably end with you bursting the thing and dousing your school jumper in orange juice.

Milk foil

Certain brands of milk still come with a sort of plastic-foil cover under the lid – because some people just can’t let the past go. These seem to have been welded to the bottle with no intention of them ever being removed.

Jam jars

What’s so infuriating about trying to open jars is that 99 per cent of the time they’re piss-easy to open. However, on other occasions you almost dislocate your elbow trying to prise open the marmalade. Soon, any men in the area will gather as they battle to prove their masculinity.

All ‘Peel here’ tabs

You’ll have seen the small tab at the corner of the packet marked ‘Peel here’ and thought ‘Oh great, I can’t wait for the straightforward bacon rasher-opening experience that awaits me.’ Instead you just grapple pathetically with the packet before looking for some scissors while the rest of your fry-up burns.


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Five people throughout your life you wrongly think could have been 'the one'

DO you still dwell on people who could have been your one true love? Here are five you wrongly think could have been your soulmate forever.

Your childhood best friend

Remember those sweet summer days riding bikes and eating ice cream in the park with him/her? Or staying indoors and playing GTA? Well you’re confusing how much you miss doing f**k all with love, you chump.

Your teenage celebrity crush

While many women in real life don’t show much interest in you, you always got the feeling that if Winona Ryder ever got stuck in your hometown she’d fall head over heels for you. Come off it.

Your nice colleague

You’ve heard a lot of stories about people that meet at work and you think that you could be one of the lucky ones. Well tough luck, because she had a boyfriend since the day you started and them breaking up wasn’t going to happen.

The barmaid at your local

After one too many bad dates you’d trundle off to your local pub to drown your sorrows and chat to a pretty young waitress whose job it is to be nice to you. Don’t confuse that with a missed love connection.

Your mate’s wife

‘If only you’d met her five minutes before he did’, you think. ‘She would have definitely gone for me instead.’ No. They would have got together behind your back and then you wouldn’t have a friend or a wife, so let it go.