Six pitiable, pathetic Brexit benefits

THE latest great news about the post-Brexit sunlit uplands is that websites won’t ask for cookies anymore. What others are there? 

No more cookies

For three hellish years, Britons have been trapped in a nightmare of having to make one, if not two, extra clicks whenever they visit a new website. An estimated 22 billion working hours have been lost, depressing UK productivity and directly causing thousands of deaths. Now it’s over and companies can sell your data to whoever they want. 

Vegetable packers get pay dividend

Metropolitan liberals don’t care, but humble farmworkers have enjoyed a huge pay boost thanks to cheap, untrustworthy European cabbage-packers being sent packing. Wages have gone up by 20 per cent, and it’ll all be paid for by a few pence on shopping bills you won’t even notice.

Wine to get 13p cheaper

Next time a Remainer’s on about roaming charges or empty shelves, slap this in their supercilious face. Yes, because we’ve abandoned EU red tape about wine acidity we’re saving an average 13p per bottle, or 78p if bought in a restaurant. And our wine’s lovely and acid. 

Tim Tams, probably

For decades, travellers to the Antipodes have returned with colourful tales of a legendary biscuit called Tim Tams, unparalleled in deliciousness but unavailable here because the busybody EU banned tartrazine. Now we’ve got our own trade deal the Tim Tam ship is coming in by 2025 at the latest. 

The world’s toughest ivory ban

You thought we already had a tough ban on elephant ivory, just because you only see it in museums and on old pianos? Think again. Post-Brexit Britain will have the single toughest ivory ban in the world, tougher than any countries that have elephants. Finally the scourge of ivory will be cleared from our streets. 

No more EU flags

In the dark days before 2020, when everyone was miserable all the time, the EU flag could be freely flown anywhere in the UK as a reminder we were a vassal nation. But now automatic consent has been removed, you need permission to fly it. Permission that won’t be given because not one inch is given to traitors.

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The things you'll buy from a corner shop because you're a lazy sod

SHOULD you cook a decent meal? Nah, you can’t be bothered so just get this random processed shit from the corner shop 20 metres away.

Crap Birds Eye chicken products

Out of sheer laziness you’ll convince yourself the ersatz chicken nuggets will be tasty. They’ll actually be a bit slimy, or contain a surprising amount of air. Ideal for dieters as you scrape most of them into the bin.

Dr Oetker pizzas

You know you shouldn’t really eat these, because you could get a far superior pizza just by wandering to Sainsbury’s or dialling for one. Instead you chomp through the cardboard-tasting base and tiny bits of topping. Interestingly, Dr Oetker’s son was in the SS, so maybe sadism was a family trait.

Very low quality toilet paper

Not the most thrilling purchase, but your corner shop will sell it for double the price of normal toilet paper. You’ll soon discover there are only about 20 sheets on the loose roll, and there is a strong chance of your fingers going through it.

Extremely dodgy wine

£2.99 for a bottle of red is a bargain, right? Until it actually enters your mouth. You’re not sure if it’s corked, just very poor quality or consists of 60 per cent antifreeze from a bootleg operation in Latvia. You’ll still drink it, though. 

Pot Noodles

A delightful trip down memory lane to your childhood, surely? But once you’re grimly chomping through the horrible chemical-tasting noodles you remember why you haven’t eaten one for 30 years.