'Plenty of pasta, hello, we've plenty of pasta over here', say corner shops

THE UK’s convenience stores want to tell customers they have shelves groaning with pasta but cannot be heard over the noise of fighting outside Tesco.

As photos flood social media of shelves emptied by locusts in human form, small grocers approiximately 75 yards away remain fully stocked.

Corner shop owner Norman Steele said: “I would like to correct the impression that Britain is on the brink of famine because enormous shops you’ve heard of are running out of stuff.

“Facebook’s full of panicking Britons wondering which of their own arms they’ll eat first if they can’t get hold of tagliatelle, while on eBay single pieces of farfalle are auctioned for 75p.

“But rather than getting up at 6am and heading to your nearest hypermarket tooled up for trouble try Khan’s Universal Foods in Fleetwood Street, where dozens of packs of pasta of all shapes have patiently awaited purchase for months.

“Yes they’re a bit dusty and you’ve not heard of the brand, but they’re unmistakably pasta. We also have a wide range of dried products, including powdered cheese, broccoli sauce and cock soup.”

Roy Hobbs, who wrestled an old woman to the ground in front of his young son for a pack of pappardelle, said: “Thing is, it’s 22p cheaper in Tesco.”

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The elderly parents' guide to getting coronavirus advice wrong

ARE you an older person determined to drive your children up the wall by misunderstanding every bit of coronavirus advice? Here’s how:

Decide you can only shop at 7am

You heard about ‘silver hour’ for older shoppers on the wireless. Now you’re all flustered about it and think you have to go shopping at Sainsbury’s every day at 7am sharp with your birth certificate and at other times you’ll be turned away.

Get information from your imagination

Rather than looking up factual information from the NHS website, simply imagine things about the coronavirus. Now phone your weary children with another pointless query such as ‘Auntie Lynne’s got tropical fish. Can she get it from them?’

Believe ‘social distancing’ means ‘continue visiting crowded places’

Avoiding a virus passed between humans clearly does not mean avoiding busy coffee shops or cancelling your weekly trip to Preston market for Eccles cakes. Where on earth would anyone get that idea?

Chuck in a bit of bigotry

As younger family members try to help, put them right off with some good old out-of-date bigotry like ‘All the foreigners can’t be helping. There was Indians living 16 to a room in Bradford in 1979.’

Rely on the worst kinds of media

The Express and Mail, naturally. Also treat as gospel anything some cretin phones in to Talkradio. Before long you’ll be convinced coronavirus is a devious scheme – admittedly without any clear or useful goal – by the Russians. Or if you’re an Express reader, aliens.

Assume you are under house arrest

Firmly believe you literally must not leave the house for 16 weeks, even to go in the garden, and endlessly fret about it to your children until they wish they were doing 16 weeks in solitary just for the peace and quiet.