THE UK’s convenience stores want to tell customers they have shelves groaning with pasta but cannot be heard over the noise of fighting outside Tesco.
As photos flood social media of shelves emptied by locusts in human form, small grocers approiximately 75 yards away remain fully stocked.
Corner shop owner Norman Steele said: “I would like to correct the impression that Britain is on the brink of famine because enormous shops you’ve heard of are running out of stuff.
“Facebook’s full of panicking Britons wondering which of their own arms they’ll eat first if they can’t get hold of tagliatelle, while on eBay single pieces of farfalle are auctioned for 75p.
“But rather than getting up at 6am and heading to your nearest hypermarket tooled up for trouble try Khan’s Universal Foods in Fleetwood Street, where dozens of packs of pasta of all shapes have patiently awaited purchase for months.
“Yes they’re a bit dusty and you’ve not heard of the brand, but they’re unmistakably pasta. We also have a wide range of dried products, including powdered cheese, broccoli sauce and cock soup.”
Roy Hobbs, who wrestled an old woman to the ground in front of his young son for a pack of pappardelle, said: “Thing is, it’s 22p cheaper in Tesco.”