Poor, deluded man thinks himself too good for toasties

A MAN who has travelled so far from his roots he does not even know who he is anymore believes himself too good for a toasted sandwich. 

Ryan Whittaker, originally from Stockport, found himself hungry in a London pub and even though there was a full toastie menu available complained that there was ‘nothing to eat’, like the blind, wounded vainglorious monster he has become.

Friend Grace Wood-Morris said: “I pointed out the toastie menu and that they do ham and cheese, which is basically heaven. I mean we’d had two pints.

“He disregarded it with a wave of his hand and said we’d have to find somewhere else, not even noticing how stunned and appalled I was while he Googled fancy gastropubs.

“I said ‘They do a beans and Worcestershire sauce one’, trying to reach the decent, honest man I knew must still be in there somewhere. All he did was raise his eyebrows in acknowledgement of my exquisite irony.

“And I wasn’t being ironic. I wasn’t being ironic at all. I really, really wanted a toastie.”

Whittaker said: “A toastie. I mean, imagine. Who’d have something like that when they’re in the food capital of the world? Oh God, what have I become?”

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Five baby things you spent a bloody fortune on that your child won't even remember

HAVING a child famously costs an absolute packet. Here are five eye-wateringly expensive purchases the ungrateful little shit won’t ever know you made.

The pram

With some of them coming in at around a grand, prams ain’t cheap. That said, your child will use it a lot. They’ll cry, snot, vomit and crap all over it. What they won’t do is remember ever having had it. They’ll grow out of it and you’ll sell it to a tight woman on Facebook marketplace who haggles you down to £30. Money well spent.

All the clothes 

Considering the mess, it would make sense to dress your spawn in cheap, identical sacks until they’re, say, 18. But society says no. Instead you spend a fortune on clothes from Next for a creature that never, ever stops growing. Within weeks the clothes are obsolete. The stores could at least sell clothes in ‘baby shit brown’ or ‘milk puke yellow’ to mask the stains. But they don’t. Con artists. 

The first birthday party

An event which fills guests with dread. Yes, it’s a colossal waste of time for everyone involved. The cake, the balloon arch, the catering, the presents, the entertainment. All for a child with a brain too stunted to remember or appreciate it. You might as well sing Happy Birthday to a baked potato. 

The ‘next to me’ cot

Back in the olden days, babies were tough. Parents shook their hand on the way out, said ‘Best of luck’ and that was that. Now you must have this expensive contraption which means you’re never more than an inch away from a baby screaming in your face at 1am. And 2am and 2.15am. Then suddenly they’re too old for it, but don’t worry – there’ll be something new to bankrupt yourself with.

The cute photo shoot 

As your baby is officially the cutest one ever born, you’ll need professional photos. Cue baby behaving like a total knob the entire time. Or sleeping through it. These tedious pictures usually end up on a USB stick you misplaced several years ago. But don’t worry, you had a photo book made up. One that’s currently getting irreparable water damage in the loft.