KNOW someone who thinks spring is here because they’ve seen one snowdrop? They’re probably excited about all this nonsense too:
The first snowdrops
Unbearably twee people rhapsodise over the first snowdrops of the year, thinking they herald the coming of spring. Sensible people just see these pathetic little flowers as a sign there are three more grey, depressing months to get through before it turns ever-so-slightly warmer.
The younger generation
Positive people believe the younger generation will find the answers to problems like climate change. They forget they’ll turn into an older generation and won’t care once they start buying cars and holidays. Plus they’ll want to feel superior to the next younger generation, eg. ‘They’d probably burst into tears if they had to use my old 30Mb broadband.’
‘A chaffinch has started visiting my garden!’ happy idiots delightedly exclaim. Yes, in its robotic daily struggle to avoid starvation and get nest stuff so it doesn’t freeze to death. Anyway it’s only a bloody bird. It’s not like Jesus keeps popping round.
The nights drawing out
Cheerful bastards start harping on about the evenings getting lighter on December 22nd, despite the fact that it’s still pitch black by 4pm and you won’t actually notice any difference until March. They practically piss their pants with joy when the clocks go back, even though it’s likely to rain solidly for the next six weeks and summer will be shit anyway.
Soppy bellends are somehow able to endlessly convince themselves that things are going to get better, despite a lifetime of evidence to the contrary. Your wife’s left you and keyed the words ‘cheating ballbag scum’ on your car? Never mind, they’ll say, things can only improve from here. Not really. You might get hit by a meteorite.