Sunday, 27th September 2020

Post-Brexit replacements for the Italian foods you've come to love

THERE will be no trade deal with the EU, to punish them. So we’ll need to create British subsitutes for your favourite Italian meals. Try these ideas: 

Pizza

If you think about it, pizza is nothing but fancy-pants cheese on toast but a dash more ketchup than you’re used to. Put four slices of white Sunblest together, trim into a circle, add sauce, cheddar and pre-cut discs of Spam, then stick in the oven. You’ll never know the difference.

Olives

Teaspoonfuls of Bovril, frozen in an ice-cube tray, look just the same and are just as unpleasantly salty without being all poncey and Mediterranean. Put them on your home-made pizza before grimacing, removing and binning them, just like the real thing.

Focaccia

To recreate the holey goodness of a wedge of focaccia, just take a hammer to a couple of pieces of pre-moistened Ryvita. Sprinkle on too much salt for that ultra-authentic feel.

Parmesan

Either shave the hard skin off your feet, or leave cheddar out until it’s hard, then smash it up. Foreigners only bother with other cheeses because they haven’t got cheddar. There is no problem it cannot solve.

Tiramisu

Simply pour some Kenco instant coffee over a Greggs’ cream finger doughnut and wait for it to go soggy. Done deal. No need for the fancy name and all the fuss.

Olive oil

Bog off Italy, we all know butter tastes better. Melt it in a pan if you can’t survive without pouring it. Yes, it’ll probably bump you off quicker than olive oil, but with the current economic forecast and general state of the world, you’ll be doing yourself a favour.