'Lively contributor' = 'Never shuts the f**k up': your guide to school report euphemisms

TEACHERS are no longer allowed to tell you your child is stupid. Here’s how to read between the lines of their end-of-term report: 

Maisie is beginning to recognise key number operations

Maisie is crap at maths. Utterly crap. Even when I used to sit with her and go through it all patiently, I get the same slack, blank expression. Now you’ve homeschooled her you understand why I drink.

Maisie has a strong friendship group

Maisie and Lottie, together, are an absolute pain in the arse.

Maisie has created some innovative artwork this year

Your progeny is able to stick pasta shapes onto paper and then apply glitter to all available surfaces, including my new handbag.

We all enjoyed Roman Day, especially the roleplay where Maisie displayed lots of imagination

Three kids are getting counselling after Maisie’s vivid depiction of having a servant beheaded for not bringing her grapes on a platter.

We all enjoyed creating music with our mixed orchestra this year, and Maisie really got into it!

I gave Maisie a poxy triangle and stood her at the back so she couldn’t do too much damage, but she still managed to ruin it.

Maisie explores her world through imaginative storytelling

Maisie told the whole class in graphic detail about your last shouting match, so we won’t be too surprised if we soon hear that Daddy’s moved out and got a flat on his own.

Due to COVID, I regret we are unable to complete section B of this report.

I’m bored and cannot be bothered to recall what or who your child actually is. The rest of this report was already made-up bollocks.

In summary, Maisie is working well towards her learning goals.

The world will always need hairdressers.

Middle-class twats postpone 'holibobs' until autumn

ALL the middle-class twats have decided to collectively postpone their holibobs until October half-term, they have confirmed. 

Following the announcement of quarantine for Spanish holidaymakers, two-car families who enjoy drinks in the summerhouse and couples who own snowboards have decided to hold back.

Joseph Turner of Holmes Chapel said: “I’ve called Piero and told him we won’t be needing the farmhouse in San Casciano this summer. It was hard, because we’re like family, but he understood.

“Our holidays aren’t qualitatively comparable to theirs in any way, but sadly when flying we’re forced to breathe the same air as the benighted wretches only going abroad to swill lager and lie by the pool.

“It’s alarming to see all these people rushing to the beaches after months in lockdown. What if the Gallerie Degli Uffizi is forced to close again? Would they even care?”

Wife Francesca Turner explained: “Our poor children are really pining for their cultural education so we’ve pencilled in a half-term jaunt to Pompeii.”

“It’s around halloween, but Montgomery and Lisbeth won’t miss it. They’d take a caprese salad and a museum audio guide over sugary sweets any day.”