A POTATO is feeling self-conscious of its weight and body shape compared to svelte vegetables like carrots and green beans.
Tom Logan, a large King Edward baking potato, admitted that his lumpy body and pock-marked skin sometimes made him want to hide away at the back of a cupboard.
He said: “I remember when it used to be about how good you were to eat, not how good you look on fucking Instagram.
“But nowadays it’s all this Masterchef bullshit with dribbles of jus and nobody wants a big, fat potato on there, fluffy insides bursting out of its blotchy skin.
“I’m delicious – I know I am – but I just feel like I can go out there and flaunt my curves in front of those cutesy little asparagus tips. And there’s no way I’ve got the confidence for the Dauphinoise thing.”
Logan added: “Please, someone, just roast the shit out of me. You won’t regret it.”