Potato struggling with body confidence

A POTATO is feeling self-conscious of its weight and body shape compared to svelte vegetables like carrots and green beans. 

Tom Logan, a large King Edward baking potato, admitted that his lumpy body and pock-marked skin sometimes made him want to hide away at the back of a cupboard.

He said: “I remember when it used to be about how good you were to eat, not how good you look on fucking Instagram.

“But nowadays it’s all this Masterchef bullshit with dribbles of jus and nobody wants a big, fat potato on there, fluffy insides bursting out of its blotchy skin.

“I’m delicious – I know I am – but I just feel like I can go out there and flaunt my curves in front of those cutesy little asparagus tips. And there’s no way I’ve got the confidence for the Dauphinoise thing.”

Logan added: “Please, someone, just roast the shit out of me. You won’t regret it.”

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Mary Portas seen giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to jewellery shop

MARY Portas has been filmed desperately attempting to resuscitate a dying branch of Warren James jewellers in Margate high street.

The self-proclaimed Queen of Shops was alternately blowing air into the shop’s letterbox and pumping her spread hands at its facade while shouting “Don’t you dare die on me,” according to witnesses.

Nikki Hollis said: “She was on her knees saying ‘Stay with me! Stay with me! Don’t go towards the light!’ and beating her balled-up fists on its doormat.

“Then she turned towards the bystanders and started shouting ‘You did this! You could have bought a 9ct gold glitter twist necklace for £45, but instead you stood by and watched a good retail outlet die!’

“Then she finished the bottle of brandy she’d been swigging and threw it at a bus with a Tesco advert on the side.”

Portas’s Save The High Street campaign is widely thought to have failed because not enough Britons feel they have a moral obligation to financially support shops.

The retail guru was seen later the same day frantically using a defibrillator on Thomas Cook in Market Rasen before screaming “Why?” at the sky.