CHRISTMAS is coming and capitalism demands tribute, so it’s time for parents to dig deep and queue for eight hours for this year’s must-have toys.
Obligatory Disney Doll
This doll from a Disney film reinforces unattainable standards of female beauty, has three different outfits but is often dragged around the house by its hair unsettlingly nude, and requires parents to sing along with 15 seconds of empowering hit Girls Can Be Wizards Too or it will cry.
Little Green Families Eco-Friendly Sustainable Playset
Aimed at the worst type of Guardian reader, this playset consists of wooden dolls living in a sustainable recycling community with composting toilets. Comes with carbon-neutral locally-sourced small creative business. Costs £200, because these people will pay anything.
Star Wars: the Disney Plus show toys
New figures and vehicles from the latest instalment in the Star Wars saga will see dads enthralled for hours creating their own thrilling stories with whichever minor character has their own show now while their grateful children get some uninterrupted time on the tablet.
Surprise! You’ve Been Ripped Off!
Popular ‘surprise’ toy offers 50 individual gifts in a single package, with the slight drawback that they are all shit. Ideal for six-year-old girls who want eight skin-disfiguring bath bombs, a flashing keyring and 20 badly moulded Warhammer rip-off figures.
Nerf M18 Claymore Directional Anti-Personnel Mine
A replica of the Vietnam war favourite in blue and orange plastic, this remotely-detonated mine fires hundreds of high-velocity foam balls at unsuspecting victims. Guaranteed to make grandparents say “It could have an eye out.”
Horrible Slowly-Hatching Thing
No Christmas would be complete without some furry mechanical horror that claws its way out of an egg. Currently most popular is the £79.95 Super Baby Breedimal that ejects edible babies from its anus.
Green furry spheres made from cheap nylon with eyes stuck on. Punted out by a cynical Chinese toymaker on the off-chance they might catch on. Retailing at £12.99 each in theory and £50 on eBay. The only thing children who still believe in Father Christmas will ask for, so pay up.