Toilet walls now allow 280 characters of scrawl

ANGRY people who scrawl offensive filth on the walls of public toilets can now make their messages twice as long.

Under new rules drawn up by toilet bosses, those who must vent every thought festering in their rancid minds to a largely indifferent public can now scribble a full 280 characters of vile bullshit before it is scrubbed out by a cleaner.

However, not all regular users of the Toilet network are happy with the news.

Warwick service station toilet scrawler Norman Steele said: “There was a certain purity to 140 characters. It forced you to hone your thoughts to a succinct essence. As Thoreau said, “simplify, simplify.”

“Take my graffito of last Thursday, ‘HITLER = RIGHT’. A masterpiece of economy. Who needs verbosity when you have upper case?”

Fellow Sharpie-wielder Tom Booker agreed: “When I take a female commentator to task for her political impertinence, I could say ‘Despite your lack of pulchritude you are free with your sexual favours. Your views therefore matter not one whit.’

“But honestly I find ‘YOUR A FAT SLUT LOL’ a much more felicitous construction. Brevity is the soul of wit, after all.”

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I wish it was you firing me, May tells Patel

THE prime minister has fired secretary of state Priti Patel while telling her she wishes with all her heart it was the other way around. 

May confessed to Patel that although having secret meeting with the Israelis was a sackable offence, it paled in comparison to her own lamentable performance but “sadly nobody’s willing to pull the trigger.” 

Patel said: “It was so awkward. She said ‘You don’t know how often I’ve dreamed of sitting on your side of the desk, finally being summarily dismissed for my gross incompetence.’ 

“‘Every day I wake up hoping today will be the day that someone releases from this terrible mess I’ve made so I can sit in a garden shed all day like Cameron, happily disgraced. God knows they’ve got reason.’ 

“‘I suppose you’ll be going getting a proper job in the City or something now. Meanwhile I’ll be stuck here shovelling the shit, terrified of Rupert Murdoch’s expression when I tell him that actually Brexit isn’t viable.’ 

“Then she said, ‘Fly free, my Priti! Fly free!’ with her eyes shut tight and a single tear rolling down her face.’”