Pretentious man cooks microwave meal in an oven

A MAN with a ridiculously high opinion of himself puts his Asda microwaveable chicken lasagne in the oven, claiming it “tastes nicer”. 

Food snob Martin Bishop’s friends are sick of his preference for gas oven-cooked pre-made meals, which proves he has too much time on his hands and an obvious superiority complex. 

Bishop said: “The instructions on the cardboard sleeve clearly state that oven cooking produces the best results, and some of us enjoy the finer things in life.

“I realise that using the oven instead of the microwave will result in a 900 per cent increase in the crucial packet-to-plate time, but I’m willing to put in the effort. In fact I enjoy cooking. It’s relaxing.”

Friend Tom Logan commented: “The posh bastard thinks he’s too good to eat food that tastes of plastic. What’s wrong with shepherd’s pie that’s cold in the middle, or cheese that never melts?”

Incredibly, Bishop has been seen tipping out his food onto a plate instead of eating it from the tray like a normal person. He has also been known to wait for his meals to cool down instead of burning his mouth while eating like a hungry pig. 

Logan said: “Not being able to taste is no bad thing when it comes to Asda own-brand ready meals. It looks like Martin’s sickening arrogance has finally caught up with him.”

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Are you cheating yourself by taking fewer than 7.8 sick days a year?

HAVE you allowed the number of sick days you take per year to fall below the national average, missing out at paid time at home? 

Millions of Britons are failing to take the 7.8 sick days a year they are entitled to by the law of averages, instead turning up to work like idiots.

Health secretary Steve Barclay said: “We’re proud to be pushing sick days up to a record for the decade – up two days a month since before Covid – but we need your help.

“There’s little more than three months of 2023 left and there are workers out there who haven’t emailed in with rotten guts all year. These figures only look this good because of the long-term malingerers. Go on, have a sickie! What’s stopping you?”

Warehouse co-ordinator Nathan Muir said: “Bloody hell, I had no idea it was at 7.8. I’ve had five sick days already this year so I thought I was up to my quota. Must be because of Brexit.

“I’ll have to develop the necessary non-specific swift-recovery illness some time over the next month. When’s there something good dropping on Netflix? I fancy a binge-watch.”

HR manager Carolyn Ryan said: “What possible reason could an employee have for not taking paid time off without consequences? If we have such people they get a written warning.”