Putting the empty Celebrations wrappers back in the tub, and other Christmas microaggressions

PISSED off after putting your hand in the Celebrations tub only to find empty wrappers and Bountys left? You’ll have experienced these other minor Christmas hostilities too:

The kids waking you up by trying to be quiet

Their stage-whispers of ‘BE QUIET!’ on the landing are much louder than their usual routine of scampering downstairs and putting the telly on. It’s 4.47am and the day is off to a bad start. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better.

Someone putting whisky in your first coffee

‘But it’s Christmas!’ isn’t an excuse you’ll accept for your brother spiking your first beverage of the day with a healthy glug of Bells. It’s just set you up for being hammered by 1pm, argumentative by 3pm and asleep by 5pm.

Ripping open lovingly wrapped gifts

You spent hours making the ribbon curly with scissors and they didn’t even glance at it as they tore their gifts open. Ungrateful bastards.

Taking the piss out of dad’s Christmas dinner timings spreadsheet

It’s traditional to mock dad’s obsessiveness over timing and getting the turkey in the oven down to the second. Just as it’s traditional for him to tell you to sod off and go and smoke a fag in the garage.

Unwrapping the bacon from a pig-in-blanket

Your sister destroying the best bit of Christmas dinner because ‘sausages are made from arseholes’ would quickly escalate into a fist fight if your mum wasn’t there. She should give them to you if they’re that offensive.

Gran asking about your love life

Is it nice she’s showing an interest? Or is her suggestion that you’re ‘more on the shelf than that stupid elf’ just a way for her to entertain herself before the King’s speech is on? Hard to say.

Putting the empty Celebrations wrappers back in the tub

‘F**k’s sake’, you mutter to yourself as you swish your hand through a tub of empty wrappers and emerge with a bloody Bounty. You’ve pretty much had it with Christmas by now.

Having your film choice refused and mocked

You suggest Edward Scissorhands and get called a miserable git. So you suggest Toy Story 4 and get called a sentimental wet wipe. The kids win as usual and you suffer through Elf for the millionth time. And your mum refuses to let you leave the room and do something else because ‘it’s Christmas’.

Finishing the last bottle of red wine

Time for revenge. You get the last laugh as you’ve just emptied the remaining bottle of nice red, leaving everyone else to get drunk on the horrible acidic white and Baileys. Serves them right, the passive aggressive pricks.

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Pine needles announce they're going f**king nowhere

THE pine needles that have dropped from your Christmas tree have confirmed you will still be finding them buried in the carpet years from now.

They will also be turning up next to the skirting board, inside your socks, under the cooker and in the upholstery of your car for at least a decade.

In a statement, Britain’s pine needles said: “To put it plainly, we are not f**king off any time soon. We are legion and we will not be defeated.

“For those of you who think you have been clever and sat your tree on a sheet on top of the carpet, please know that we will still find a way to linger in the nooks and crannies of your house forever.

“Like sand from a beach holiday, or memories of an ill-advised and disappointing shag with a colleague, we will be bothering you for an infuriatingly long time.”

Nathan Muir, from Bridport, said: “Despite the fact that putting up a real tree in the living room is expensive, wasteful, and confusing for the cat, we always do it. Christmas wouldn’t be the same without one.

“But how is it possible that humanity can go to the moon, perform heart transplants and perfectly place a hazelnut in the centre of a Ferrero Rocher, but still not have mastered vacuum cleaner technology that reliably sucks up pine needles?”