PISSED off after putting your hand in the Celebrations tub only to find empty wrappers and Bountys left? You’ll have experienced these other minor Christmas hostilities too:
The kids waking you up by trying to be quiet
Their stage-whispers of ‘BE QUIET!’ on the landing are much louder than their usual routine of scampering downstairs and putting the telly on. It’s 4.47am and the day is off to a bad start. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better.
Someone putting whisky in your first coffee
‘But it’s Christmas!’ isn’t an excuse you’ll accept for your brother spiking your first beverage of the day with a healthy glug of Bells. It’s just set you up for being hammered by 1pm, argumentative by 3pm and asleep by 5pm.
Ripping open lovingly wrapped gifts
You spent hours making the ribbon curly with scissors and they didn’t even glance at it as they tore their gifts open. Ungrateful bastards.
Taking the piss out of dad’s Christmas dinner timings spreadsheet
It’s traditional to mock dad’s obsessiveness over timing and getting the turkey in the oven down to the second. Just as it’s traditional for him to tell you to sod off and go and smoke a fag in the garage.
Unwrapping the bacon from a pig-in-blanket
Your sister destroying the best bit of Christmas dinner because ‘sausages are made from arseholes’ would quickly escalate into a fist fight if your mum wasn’t there. She should give them to you if they’re that offensive.
Gran asking about your love life
Is it nice she’s showing an interest? Or is her suggestion that you’re ‘more on the shelf than that stupid elf’ just a way for her to entertain herself before the King’s speech is on? Hard to say.
Putting the empty Celebrations wrappers back in the tub
‘F**k’s sake’, you mutter to yourself as you swish your hand through a tub of empty wrappers and emerge with a bloody Bounty. You’ve pretty much had it with Christmas by now.
Having your film choice refused and mocked
You suggest Edward Scissorhands and get called a miserable git. So you suggest Toy Story 4 and get called a sentimental wet wipe. The kids win as usual and you suffer through Elf for the millionth time. And your mum refuses to let you leave the room and do something else because ‘it’s Christmas’.
Finishing the last bottle of red wine
Time for revenge. You get the last laugh as you’ve just emptied the remaining bottle of nice red, leaving everyone else to get drunk on the horrible acidic white and Baileys. Serves them right, the passive aggressive pricks.