Seven ways takeaway deliveries will punish you for being a lazy bastard

FANCY having some fast food delivered because you can’t be arsed to bake a potato? Here’s how you will suffer karmic retribution for being a lazy shit.

The picture of your food lied

On the website your kebab looks grilled to perfection by a proud Turkish chef. What arrives looks like a run-over squirrel. Maybe it is. Maybe the delivery guy forgot the order, mowed down Tufty and stuck him in a polystyrene box to avoid going back to the shop.

The cooks appear not to have encountered common types of food

Some tips for takeaway ‘chefs’: pizza sauce is not ketchup, fried chicken should not have the texture of an oily sock, chips are not traditionally served raw. This, however, will teach you to order from a business that claims to simultaneously be expert in American, Italian, Turkish, Chinese, British and Indian cuisine yet operates out of a grotty takeaway in Crewe.

That weird spongy chicken

A staple of the worst takeaways is reconstituted chicken made from meat mush formed into shapes. Is it actually chicken or slices off a roll of foam rubber from Wickes? All you can be sure of is that it’s been through more scientific processes than Robocop.

‘What the f**k?’ prices

Certain outlets’ pricing defies logic, such as a medium pizza being 21 quid, plus another £7 for seven tiny chicken wings. So one meal is the cost of a modest basket of shopping, resulting in an economic anomaly like being able to buy a BMW 9 Series for £3.99. You’ll still order the pizza though, because nipping to Sainsbury’s is obviously impossible.

No dipping sauces 

You empathise with the harassed delivery people – except when they forget the dips again. Then the lazy peasants deserve a damn good flogging in public. Of course if you’d actually cooked some proper food you wouldn’t need to drown it in sweet chilli sauce for flavour, but let’s skip over that.

You wait… and you wait… and you wait…

And the food turns up two hours later, stone cold. You knew the tikka kebab with fries in cheesy sauce wasn’t exactly fine dining using only the best ingredients to begin with, but now it looks and tastes like cold, greasy offal encased in yellow rubber. 

Sociopathic delivery guy 

This guy seems to be unaware of the concept of ‘responsibility’. Instead he acts like the inedible food is fine and you’ve done something far worse, perhaps calling his sister a whore. You’ll start to feel as if it’s all your fault for helping him earn a living, which, in a way, it is.

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All public toilets in London to be relocated to Doncaster

ALL of London’s 12 remaining public toilets will be dismantled and moved to Doncaster as part of the government’s ‘levelling up’ plans to boost the regions.

The scheme is expected to save millions of pounds annually in maintenance costs and sky-high London rents, with the savings going to the NHS, Michelle Mone or energy companies.

Communities minister Michael Gove said: “While this might cause some temporary inconvenience to Londoners we urge them to take a broader view of the benefits to Doncaster. Also we don’t give a shit, as it were.

“London is still very much open for business. We’d simply ask residents and visitors to remember to go to the loo before venturing out into our bustling 24/7 capital city and taking in its world-beating attractions.”

Mayor of Doncaster Tom Logan also welcomed the lavatorial relocation, saying: “For people who like to urinate and defecate, Doncaster will become an international hub. Perhaps after visiting us to vacate their bladder or bowels they will consider settling here.

“As well as our minster and hills, we have a selection of dual carriageways and can boast more loading bays than Venice. Bring your whole family to go to the toilet and make a day of it.

“Our marketing department has already devised a new slogan, ‘Come to Doncaster for a shit’.”

Due to an unexpected rise in Londoners urinating in public, home secretary Suella Braverman today announced a minimum sentence of 35 years in prison for having a tinkle in a park.