Six culinary fast tracks to crippling indigestion

HUNGRY? Make sure you’ve got a medicine cupboard full of Gaviscon before diving into one of these reflux-inducing treats.

Pizza delivery

You’re too lazy to be arsed to cook, and your slothful inertia is about to come at a price. Mighty meat feast with added jalapenos and onions, brought right to your door? Brilliant idea. Until you’re halfway through and your guts feel like you’re filling them with spicy cement. Get the Breville out next time, you idle bastard.

Chicken vindaloo

If you ordered a korma you’d walk away unscathed, but you don’t want the lads to think you’re a wimp so you opt for something super-hot. Your stomach acid is fizzing up your throat the moment it arrives at the table, but that doesn’t stop you shovelling it down like a real man, before running off to the loo afterwards to weep through the pain.

Bacon sandwich

Nothing could be more satisfying than crispy Danish, thick white bread and lashings of brown sauce, right? Unfortunately your stomach will think otherwise once confronted with a mix of salty, processed pork and heavily refined gluten. You’ll be knocking back shots of liquid Gaviscon like tequila on a stag do.

Pot Noodle

The ultimate quick and satisfying fast food, or so they tell you. Four minutes to make will translate into hours of crippling heartburn, which is your gut’s way of paying you back for a horrible meal of half-rehydrated noodles mixed with an excessive amount of MSG. Like you could hate yourself any more for stooping so low as to eat this shit in the first place.


It’s no wonder the Cornish are such grumpy bastards. Living on this indigestible mix of dense pastry, chewy beef and root vegetables would be enough to put the Dalai Lama in a nasty temper when the inevitable reflux kicks in. Try swilling it down with an entire bottle of milk of magnesia. It won’t help but at least you can tell yourself you tried.

Chip shop kebab

It’s late, you’ve had a skinful and the logical side of your brain has slipped into a drunken coma, so it makes perfect sense to bombard your intestines with fatty lamb, starch-laden pitta bread and lashings of hot chilli sauce. There’s not a medicine on earth that will soothe your burning stomach, and good luck with that inferno of a dump in the morning. Best cut your losses and vomit the lot up into a hedge on your way home.

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'Socks and Crocs, mullet, T-shirt tucked into joggers, looking good,' thinks teenager

A TEENAGER thinks he looks the business despite sporting the kind of outfit his mum would expect her own father to wear to do the garden.

When Josh Hudson went off to meet friends for a bubble tea wearing Crocs and white socks, a T-shirt tucked into his joggers and carrying his valuables in a bum bag, mum Sarah confirmed she felt embarrassed on his behalf.

Sarah said: “How did it become cool to go out dressed like a pensioner spending the weekend at their static caravan? When I was Josh’s age, none of the lads would tuck their school shirt in unless a teacher told them to, never mind a T-shirt.

“And he’s got a mullet. On his way out he stopped at the mirror to lovingly fluff out the ‘party at the back’. I asked him if it’s ironic and he laughed and said ‘No cap, ma’, which I think is Gen Z slang but really I’m none the wiser.

“His girlfriend turned up the other day wearing pleated wide-leg jeans and a vintage Sweater Shop jumper. I’d think they purposely dressed like this to give me horrible flashbacks to my youth if they weren’t so pathologically uninterested in me.”

When approached for comment, Josh rolled his eyes and slouched off with his Crocs making farting noises.