Steak bakes have been vegan for years, laughs Greggs

GREGGS have confirmed that there has not been any meat or animal products in their steak bakes since 2005. 

The high street baker has been lauded for its vegan steak bakes but yesterday admitted that it removed all animal products 15 years ago, because it was cheaper.

CEO Wayne Hayes said: “That’s right, suckers. You’ve been vegans since the era of Gwen Stefani. And you had no idea.

“It’s just mushrooms, salt and flavouring. The steak chunks you think you’ve been biting in to? Dogfood flavour jelly beans.

“As for the pastry, we gave up in the early noughties and just started wrapping everything in carboard. Nobody noticed because it’s soaked in vegetable oil, and that’s all our customers really care about.

“We only launched the vegan one as kind of a joke, to see if anyone would realise. But when nobody did suddenly it all began to feel kind of hollow. Except for the millions we’ve made.”

Nathan Muir of Croydon said: “Once I found a lump of beef in a custard slice. Explain that.”

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Laurence Fox's guide to being an instant right-wing celebrity twat

INTERESTED in trading C-list status for being an instant right-wing hero and truth-teller? I’ve done it, and so can you by following these tips: 

Invent your own definition of racism 

Some would say a realistic definition of racism is abuse and discrimination directed at ethnic minorities. I prefer to make it up in my head, as if people in the street have shouted ‘Oi, you, Laurence Fox, f**k off back to RADA until you do something better than Lewis.’

Jump on that anti-PC bandwagon

Why not? My views are heartfelt. I’m not just joining the anti-PC, reactionary bandwagon that has raised so many people’s profiles and earned them so much money. I’m a top Hollywood actor who was in Gosford Park back in 2001, you know.

Have zero awareness about privilege

It’s wrong that people talk about ‘privilege’ when I am just a hardworking bloke who went to Harrow and the son of the very famous actor James Fox. Those improvisation classes were bloody tough, let me tell you. I had to pretend to eat an orange with no orange there.

Slag off Lily Allen

Lily Allen is the leader of the sinister ‘Woke’ movement, not just a slightly clueless pop singer. I don’t really follow politics or the news because they’re all lefties, but I’m confident she must be destroyed before she becomes the next Hitler.

Talk to the Daily Mail frequently

Get your views out there via that actor’s friend, the Daily Mail. They never turn against people so there’s no chance they’ll suddenly run an article headlined: ‘POSH LAURENCE says he hates ‘WOKE’ – so why is he at a party with TRAITOR MEGHAN in LA?’