Stop lying to yourselves and chuck us in the f**king bin, say nuts

A SELECTION of mixed nuts ostensibly bought for Christmas have appealed to the household to stop deluding themselves and put them in the bin. 

The nuts were disregarded in the run-up to Christmas for a tub of Celebrations, ignored over Christmas and Boxing Day because everyone was too full, and have been dismissed subsequently as ‘a Christmas thing’. 

Brazil nut Tom Booker said: “It’s fine. At this point, we view ourselves as more of a decoration. 

“You get us in, we sit there and watch the festivities, untouched and unnoticed. For someone to come over and eat a nut would be as unlikely as them taking a bite from a holly wreath. 

“We’ve had a good Christmas, but don’t delude yourselves any further. Don’t keep us around for your paleo diet in the new year. Don’t con yourself twice. Bin.”

He added: “We count ourselves lucky. That box of dates never made it out of the garage.”

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Mum unable to eat or sleep until kids write 'thank you' letters

A MOTHER has confessed she is unable to eat, sleep or feel anything but crushing guilt because her children have yet to write ‘thank you’ letters. 

Emma Bradford began feeling sick with worry at the social slight at 5.35am on Christmas Day. Since then, the fear that she will be universally shunned for her children’s ingratitude has only grown worse. 

Bradford said: “It’s been four days. What must great-auntie Kath think of us? 

“After she’d been so generous sending them those clothes that were their size two years ago their ignorance must sting agonisingly. I honestly don’t know if she’ll survive it. 

“Please kids, just take a moment out of of your holidays to write her a card, telling her how much you loved the present and a short precis of your year. Just do that one tiny thing, in neat handwriting with no mistakes. 

“I’ve been awake for 104 hours. I’m hallucinating. This morning I stabbed my hand with a fork and didn’t even feel it. But the second I close my eyes, I’m assailed by the spectres of every relative we have telling me what a terrible mother I am. Please help me.” 

Son Ewan Bradford said: “Yeah. mum’s on about something. Dunno what.”