Friday, 22nd January 2021

Stop lying to yourselves and chuck us in the f**king bin, say nuts

A SELECTION of mixed nuts ostensibly bought for Christmas have appealed to the household to stop deluding themselves and put them in the bin. 

The nuts were disregarded in the run-up to Christmas for a tub of Celebrations, ignored over Christmas and Boxing Day because everyone was too full, and have been dismissed subsequently as ‘a Christmas thing’. 

Brazil nut Tom Booker said: “It’s fine. At this point, we view ourselves as more of a decoration. 

“You get us in, we sit there and watch the festivities, untouched and unnoticed. For someone to come over and eat a nut would be as unlikely as them taking a bite from a holly wreath. 

“We’ve had a good Christmas, but don’t delude yourselves any further. Don’t keep us around for your paleo diet in the new year. Don’t con yourself twice. Bin.”

He added: “We count ourselves lucky. That box of dates never made it out of the garage.”