Sushi, and five other foods your parents refuse to even try

YOUR parents raised you not to be a picky eater, while adamantly refusing to even consider these everyday cuisines: 


Sushi is no longer considered exotic. You can get it in a Boots meal deal, for f**k’s sake. But when you asked your dad if he fancies a California roll he stared at you as if you’d presented him with sliced seal dong. Your mum is convinced that if tuna isn’t seared it’ll give her worms.


It took the UK by storm in the 90s but, like grunge and Absolutely Fabulous, your parents never really got it and continue to regard it with the same suspicion they harbour men who wear make-up or women who don’t.


Your mum’s not averse to a ‘picky tea’ when the weather gets hot, but going to a restaurant to pay £9 for a small plate makes her blood boil. If Spanish food’s nice, why do all the bars there serve egg and chips? What good are prawns if they’re not in Marie Rose sauce?

Smashed avocado

There’s a limit to what your dad will tolerate on his precious toast – peanut butter was deemed a bridge too far. The vivid green of avocado is like eating an alien, and to his mind the only thing that should be smashed is plain, white potatoes with margarine.

Oat milk

Your parents have never trusted milk except in tea, but in the era of milk alternatives they’ve become the dairy industry’s greatest allies. ‘You can’t milk an almond,’ your dad opines, ‘because it hasn’t got tits.’ What even is a soy? Are they vicious vermin like veals?


Your parents love lettuce, cabbage, spinach and the like, especially boiled, but once they heard young people were into something called ‘kale’ they became dead set against it. It’s classed with skunk cannabis for them. You’ve never dared offer it. You hate it, to be honest, but you to defend it to the hilt just to spite them.

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Five occasions when it's f**king fine to swear in front of your kids

CHILDREN are precious angels, and we shouldn’t destroy their innocence by using bad language in front of them. Apart from on these occasions:

In the car

Parents are wound up so tight that even the slightest indiscretion in traffic causes a volcanic eruption. Someone just cut you up? Feel free to give them both barrels – profanity, elaborate hand signals to imply they’re wankers and hammering on the horn. Sorry, kids, Mummy’s got road rage.

Standing on one of their toys

Sadly, the period where everyone buys your newborn cuddly toys is brief. Before long they’re onto the hard stuff and the floor is littered with pointed plastic things like Lego and model dinosaurs. When you stand on a triceratops and loudly yell that you’re ‘glad the motherf**king bastards are f**king extinct’ your child starts crying inconsolably even though you’re the one with a horn stuck in the sole of your foot.

When you open their nursery bill

Despite sitting down and bracing yourself to open the email, every time you see you owe Kiddywinks Day Nursery £900 a month you can’t help some pretty colourful language slipping out. For that amount, you’d expect your toddler to be able to play the violin or speak Japanese by now, when in reality they come home covered in paint and carrying a bag with some shitty trousers inside.

At any time during a trip to the supermarket

The full horror of taking a child to the supermarket is something every parent has to bear at some stage: tantrums, running off, lying down in the bakery aisle and refusing to move. While you would never swear directly at your child after they’ve opened a jar of mayonnaise and emptied it on the floor, you don’t mind furiously berating a shelf of baked bean tins with a few choice phrases.

When telling your partner about the bad word they used

It’s perfectly acceptable to swear in front of your kid if you’re explaining to your partner that you had to go into their school today to talk to the headmistress about their language. Could you explain why your child called Miss Shaw an ‘almighty wanker’? No, you have no idea where they might’ve picked language like that up from. You’ll go straight home and check the child settings on YouTube.