'That looks good enough to eat!' and other witticisms your grandparents will say before eating dinner

GRANDPARENTS enjoy nothing more than spouting hilarious one-liners before stuffing their faces. Which of these do yours prefer?

‘That looks good enough to eat!’

The staple of every elderly person’s repertoire of shit pre-dinner gags. You’d have thought they would have got bored of saying this bon mot after 50-odd years, but no. As inevitable as their imminent death and taxes, your grandparents will trot this classic out and expect to be greeted with gales of rapturous laughter every time.

‘There’s enough here to feed a horse!

Grandparents feel entitled to remind younger generations that they were used to smaller portions when they were growing up. But even the pickiest nag would make short work of the M&S tuna pasta bake and handful of salad you’ve just presented to your nan.

‘You’ll do well to get on the outside of that!’

Ignoring the obvious fact that you generally eat a plate of food from the outside in, your grandparents are suggesting the four sausages and mash you’ve served yourself are the height of gluttony. Either that or they still think you’ve got an eating disorder because you mentioned vegetarianism once in 1997.

‘We won’t go hungry tonight!’

No, they won’t. Because after the pub lunch you’re driving them home to a fridge that’s filled with their Friday Ocado delivery. Grab another quick pint before you drop them off and try to forget that whilst they might have experienced rationing in the 1950s, they now also have 30 times more disposable income than you do. 

‘You’ll never put a better bit of butter on your knife!’

The total lack of bread or butter on the table won’t stop your granddad from repeating his favourite tongue-twister that you first heard when you were four. Was it an advertising slogan? Does he think the horseradish is butter? Is he asking for some butter? Christ knows. Grin and down half your Tesco Finest IPA in one swig.

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Five unflattering features you've got f**k all chance of changing before your holiday

YOUR holiday is booked, but your flabby mass is nowhere near beach body ready. Here are your worst features and how to disguise them.

Fat thighs

Consistent exercise over the past couple of months would have slimmed these down. But you couldn’t be arsed, which is why you’re a fat bastard in the first place. The best solution is to bind your legs tightly with sellotape and hope it squishes some of the flab up into your shorts/bikini.

Massive belly

Only one course of action here: an impractical crash diet and extreme exercise. Your body won’t have time to process the effects of five hours in the gym every night and a diet of low-fat yoghurt. However, as anyone who’s just started exercising knows, you feel as if you’re really healthy. So you can lurch around bars pestering women with the confidence of Chris Hemsworth, not realising you’re more like a sunburnt Chris Biggins.

Corpse-like pale skin

Does your delicate, English rose complexion resemble a ghost with anaemia? You’ll feel very self-conscious when surrounded by healthily tanned Europeans so overcompensate by slapping on some fake tan. If you don’t immediately look bronzed, slather more on, and more. When you suddenly look like Peter Sellers doing a particularly offensive impression of an Indian, you’ve cracked it. Just don’t do the accent.

Puny abs, biceps, et al

Rippling muscles have been the male beauty ideal for years, but there’s no chance of getting bulging pecs and a six-pack in a week or so. You could try drawing them on with a marker pen, but you’re better off sticking with the all-purpose solution of the body-ashamed everywhere: baggy clothes. There could be the body of an Olympic athlete under that sweatshirt.

Puce face

Or to use the correct dermatological term, gammonicus furiosa. You can lay off the booze and stop ranting about the lack of Rwanda deportations, but there isn’t time to reap the benefits of normal blood pressure. However it doesn’t really matter as chances are you’ll be holidaying in a Brit enclave in Spain where everyone looks like an angry red M&M anyway.