GRANDPARENTS enjoy nothing more than spouting hilarious one-liners before stuffing their faces. Which of these do yours prefer?
‘That looks good enough to eat!’
The staple of every elderly person’s repertoire of shit pre-dinner gags. You’d have thought they would have got bored of saying this bon mot after 50-odd years, but no. As inevitable as their imminent death and taxes, your grandparents will trot this classic out and expect to be greeted with gales of rapturous laughter every time.
‘There’s enough here to feed a horse!
Grandparents feel entitled to remind younger generations that they were used to smaller portions when they were growing up. But even the pickiest nag would make short work of the M&S tuna pasta bake and handful of salad you’ve just presented to your nan.
‘You’ll do well to get on the outside of that!’
Ignoring the obvious fact that you generally eat a plate of food from the outside in, your grandparents are suggesting the four sausages and mash you’ve served yourself are the height of gluttony. Either that or they still think you’ve got an eating disorder because you mentioned vegetarianism once in 1997.
‘We won’t go hungry tonight!’
No, they won’t. Because after the pub lunch you’re driving them home to a fridge that’s filled with their Friday Ocado delivery. Grab another quick pint before you drop them off and try to forget that whilst they might have experienced rationing in the 1950s, they now also have 30 times more disposable income than you do.
‘You’ll never put a better bit of butter on your knife!’
The total lack of bread or butter on the table won’t stop your granddad from repeating his favourite tongue-twister that you first heard when you were four. Was it an advertising slogan? Does he think the horseradish is butter? Is he asking for some butter? Christ knows. Grin and down half your Tesco Finest IPA in one swig.