Are you in hell or at your nan's house? Take our quiz

NOT sure if you are burning in the eternal flames of damnation or merely at your nan’s house? Find out with our quiz.

How hot is it?

A) Unbearably so. Even though you can’t see roaring fires lapping at your body it certainly feels like there should be. To make things worse a cruel tormentor in a bulky knitted jumper says they’re chilly and keeps bringing you boiling cups of tea.

B) Judging by the lake of lava you can see, very.

Are you being held against your will?

A) Yes. It feels like you’ve been here for an eternity, but every time you try to leave a wizened crone says can’t go yet because you’ve only just arrived.

B) Yes. Whenever you try to make a break for it a swarm of creatures with giant bat-like wings descend on you and carry you off to be dropped into a volcano.

What can you hear?

A) The screams of a tortured soul begging to be freed of their torment. No one else can hear it though because it’s coming from inside your head.

B) An album of Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits being played over and over again. It’s a worse punishment than that guy who has to push a boulder up a mountain forever.

What are you watching?

A) A dreary repeat of a documentary about Vera Lynn. The football’s on the other channel, but the remote is being mockingly clutched in your captor’s withered claw.

B) Legions of naked sinners shuffling along in bulky chains as a big red muscular man with horns on his head jabs them with a pitchfork.

What did you do to deserve this?

A) Nothing, You’ve been a dutiful grandchild who remembers to send your nan a birthday card every year. By rights you should be in the pub.

B) No idea. You’ve lived a good if unremarkable life. Although you did take the Lord’s name in vain a lot, which probably condemned you to an eternity of punishment.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You’re in the sweltering nether realm that is your nan’s living room. The framed photo of your graduation should have been a dead giveaway.

Mostly Bs: You’re a doomed soul who has found themselves in the underworld. Although at least you don’t have to listen to your nan repeat the same anecdote for the eighth time in an hour.

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How to completely waste the tiny sliver of child-free time you get

MANAGED to escape your kids for two minutes? Congratulations. Here is how you will squander your precious free time.

Aimlessly scroll on your phone

A modern classic. The moment those little bastards are out of the door, the sense of relief is palpable. You sit down on the sofa for a brief pause only to snap out of it three hours later when their grandparents have brought the f**kers back. And all you’ve done is scroll through Instagram until your thumb has RSI.

Row with your partner

Having children makes it difficult to have a proper go at your partner. Once your little ones are out the door though, you’re free to let rip in the most expletive-filled rant imaginable. It’s a shame though, because this brief window of child-free time was when you were planning to have sex for the first time since you became parents.

Fail to think of anything fun to do

The morning began with such promise. You dropped your kid into nursery first thing then spent two hours failing to think of anything to do, before realising you’ve procrastinated for so long you’ve missed the last screening of Top Gun: Maverick. You’ve f**ked it. Just sit in silence until you go to pick them up.

Look at photos of your kids

New parents are particularly guilty of this one. They could use their free time to catch up on some much-needed sleep, but they never do. Instead they’ll flick through cute photos of their little one from earlier in the day, then get worried about potential accidents they just made up which might befall them. How relaxing.

Half do lots of stuff

With the children out of the way, it’s time to sort of do a bunch of important tasks. You could get halfway through the washing-up before leaving it to soak, then move on to not quite finishing the ironing while kind of but not really watching a film. At this rate you’ll be on top of your life in 30 years.