HAVE you been disappointed by a meal out but lack the balls to complain? Here’s your guide to indirectly making your feelings known in a feeble British way.
Loudly praise the restaurant’s decor
There’s nothing good to say about the food, so be overly enthusiastic about the decor – everyone knows positive people are angry inside. The lighting is subtle, the paintings of fish just wonderful. In your mind the obvious message you’re sending out is: ‘She loves the decor, but hasn’t mentioned the food. She must hate it!’ Although there’s a slim chance no one will notice.
Ask the manager if they saw Jurassic World Dominion
Talk about negative experiences – a washout holiday, kidney stones, the latest seen-it-all-before Jurassic Park movie. The manager will ask himself, ‘Why is the customer having this negative train of thought? Could our restaurant have set it off? OH GOD!’
Act like you shagged the waiter and they never called
The waiter deserves your ire. Act with all the bitterness of someone who has put out then been ghosted. When they bring the prawn bhuna, say ‘Surprised you turned up!’ and generally be annoyed and sarcastic. Just don’t get carried away with the routine and say ‘Sure you’ve got my number?’ Despite your weirdness, they’ll be delighted they’ve pulled and you don’t want that.
Don’t write a review online
Nothing says ‘I f**king hated this place’ more than not even deigning to shit all over it on Tripadvisor. It was, frankly, beneath you to review. Words may be weapons, but there is probably great power in silence. Show them who’s boss.
Turn the bill into an origami snake
Curse the establishment by leaving a carefully folded origami serpent on the table when you leave. A symbol of evil and original sin, your snake bill will let everyone know that you were unhappy with the pan-fried seabass. You might have to leave a short essay explaining this.
Never return to the restaurant
By never going back, the restaurant staff will surely know how little you think of them and gradually realise the error of their ways. Unless they assume you were a day tripper, you’ve moved, or you’ve died. Either way, it’s time to find another restaurant for you to kick into touch with your stinging imperceptible hints.