HAVEN’T got two pennies to rub together? Worried about paying higher taxes? Let me, Rishi Sunak, explain why forking out a fortune you don’t have is actually really fun and cool.
Everyone’s going to be doing it
Paying higher taxes isn’t some obscure hobby that only anorak-wearing weirdos indulge in like trainspotting or stamp collecting. Everyone’s going to be digging deep for the next few years meaning it’s going to be bigger than Taylor Swift. You don’t want to be a loser who misses out on this hot new trend, do you? Didn’t think so.
They’ll pay for really nifty things
Not boring old public services like libraries or free dentistry. Dare to dream a bit bigger. Your taxes will go towards the salary I don’t need and repairing my party’s public image after my predecessors shat all over it. Not even speed boats for everyone in the UK would be as awesomesauce as that.
Filling the black hole sounds rad
I get it. ‘Balancing the books’ has an ominous air about it. That’s why I’m trying to rebrand the fiscal crisis we’ve found ourselves in as a black hole. Think of yourself as an intrepid astronaut as you try to fill the yawning void threatening to swallow the country. It’s much more palatable than the reality that you’re going to be skint until you’re dead.
You’ll feel like an underdog rebel
This country loves an underdog, and when you’re pissing away the bulk of your pay packet each month on taxes that’s exactly what you’ll feel like. Don’t think of higher taxes as a symptom of needless, grinding austerity, reframe them as the antagonist you’re training hard to overcome, like in Rocky. You’re essentially Sylvester Stallone, who is certifiably cool.
Paying them won’t take any effort
Leave it with me. I’ll take care of all the paperwork and numbers just like I did when I threw you some spare change during lockdown. All you have to do is work five jobs, sacrifice the concept of free time and learn to live on three hours sleep. You’ll get nothing to show for it in return but I might be able to win the next election. Thanks in advance!