The seven best chocolate bars that the bastards took away from us

THESE colossi of chocolate used to walk among us, available for ready consumption. But the bastards took them away: 


Twin spirals of chocolate in a fine example of being sold air, they were still different and exciting and gave us comfort in the tough times of the 1990s, facing trip-hop, combat trousers and the Major government. But they snatched them from us.


A white Flake covered in milk chocolate, indelibly associated with Anthea Turner marrying Grant Bovey and, around the same time, 9-11. They were one more option and they made people happy. Why couldn’t they be allowed that?


Your mum liked these dark chocolate pyramids with mint fondant inside. You personally weren’t bothered, but Bagsy at school claimed you could bite the top off, suck out the fondant and replace them without shopkeepers knowing, which always made you laugh because what a lying twat. Who was that harming?

White Dairy Crunch

Far superior to the milk chocolate version, but apparently some people, like the f**king manufacturers, didn’t agree. They took away something you loved and gave you nothing in return. How is that fair?

Vice Versas

Like Minstrels but the white ones had milk choc inside and, well, vice versa. So you could decide which thrilling contrast to savour or a mix or whatever you liked, back when you were young and free and Bill Clinton was doing that sex stuff. You had hope then, and Vice Versas.


A delicate, wispy nest of sophistication reminiscent of when you took your first love out to a pizza restaurant, and you’re not getting that back either are you? Now you’ve got a mortgage and a dog and crow’s feet and there aren’t any f**king Secrets anymore. Life’s shit.

All the good Celebrations

Not just Galaxy Truffle either, or Topic. There used to be all kinds of incredible ones, like Galaxy Bubble and Big M&M and Tiny Treets, you’re not just imagining them, everything was better then. We should have a revolution.

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Dad wants to know how much it cost

A FATHER has remained silent during his daughter’s story of a new purchase before ominously asking how much she paid for it. 

27-year-old Lucy Parry admitted that she had been both expecting and dreading the question because she knows it could only lead to the conclusion that it could have been obtained cheaper.

She said: “I asked Dad how he was, and how the lawn was, and he asked me how work was going, and we both knew all we were doing was avoiding the elephant in the room.

“Then, his eyes alive with nervous energy, he said ‘How much was this new American-style fridge your mum’s so impressed with, then?’

“I told him. He said ‘How much?’ so I had to tell him again. He sucked air through his teeth then vanished to my old room, where they keep the PC, to find out how badly I’d messed it up this time.

“Within 40 minutes he was down, ignoring Mum’s interjections of ‘Leave it, Brian,’ telling me it was £120 less than that on Very even new and if I’d gone second-hand I could have paid half that. I accepted this, as is my role.”

Brian Parry said: “I was put on this earth to tell people they’ve paid too much for stuff. But they won’t listen.”