The seven modern wonders of the back of your fridge

THE back of your fridge contains a host of breathtaking sights and smells. Take a virtual tour of its wonders with our guide.

A lump of cheese

This mouldy chunk of Cathedral City is lined with teeth marks from when you’ve nibbled on it in the middle of the night like a rodent. It should have been chucked ages ago but you’ve developed a pathetic attachment to it, which coincidentally is how your partner describes you.

A mysterious pool of water

No matter how many times you clean it up, this pool of water magically reappears within a few hours. It’s not coming from the freezer because you spent hours defrosting the sodding thing, but it’s not stopping you stuffing your face so you’ll never get round to properly fixing it.

A bottle of ketchup

It looks innocent enough, but fridge ketchup is a huge source of conflict in your household. Your partner bangs on about it being shelf-stable, while you maintain that once it’s opened it needs to be chilled. Grow up and cheat on each other already so you can argue about something important.

An empty fruit and veg compartment

This rolling, desolate expanse at the bottom of your fridge has always baffled you. It’s got a drawer so it’s clearly meant to contain something, but what? It’s too small for your beers, and you can’t fit a pizza in there. Just like the Mary Celeste, perhaps you’ll never know the truth.

Questionable milk

Shit, when did you buy that pint of semi-skimmed? Was it before or after the weekend? You’d give it a sniff to check if it’s on the turn but you can see lumps floating in it. But that’s like cottage cheese and it’s fine to eat that. It’ll be fine in your tea. Yeah.

Meat on the top shelf

Meat is the big daddy of the food chain so it goes on the top shelf. Instead of hiding it away under layers of cling film you’ve proudly left it open, which lets it drip its delicious meaty goodness onto all the other food below. It’s mad how TV chefs never talk about this cooking hack.

A jar of what used to be jam

At least you think it was jam, a long time ago. However jam is usually red or purple and the contents of this jar are green, so maybe it’s pickled gherkins? That just makes it savoury spread, not a big lump of mould, so go with the flow and put it on your toast.

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Now is not the time for Priti Patel

THE public has united in the face of the Channel tragedy by agreeing that now is not the time for Priti Patel to be saying anything at all. 

As the UK is forced to confront the deaths of 27 people on its doorstep, the home secretary is set to give a statement in the Commons which, based on her track record, nobody is looking forward to. 

A government insider said: “There are times when you want a belligerent, hardline, uncompromising xenophobe, and for the Tories that’s most of the time. That’s why she’s in. It’s not like she’s competent. 

“But there are other times when at least a pretence of compassion is necessary, and today is one of those times, but unfortunately we’ve got Priti in the hot seat now as well. 

“This is going to be excruciating. She’ll lash out and blame everyone but herself and entirely fail to have normal, human emotions. All of which are normally pluses. 

“Mind you, it could be worse. Imagine Jacob Rees-Mogg making a statement. Imagine f**king Boris. 

“It’s a shame we’ve nobody intelligent, sensitive and compassionate in the government. But we can’t stand twats like that.”